Passover Cleaning.

A new chance to clean your house (and yourself) from Chametz / leavened products.

Find that object that you were looking for for months.

Wonder about those little scraps of paper found with phone numbers without names.

Encounter things for which you have no use but decide to keep them another year “just in case”.

Seeing a daunting task, some say unconsciously “Let me Push it off.”

Here are some suggestions for Passover cleaning:

Select One Corner or One Task and take care of it.

Then go to the next.

Drawers and closets

Remove all, place on a sheet on the carpet, and sort into in piles.

Put similar things together in zip lock bags. Label the bags.

Paper Stuff

For papers : Get Folders, Classifiers (Notebook with plastic sheet covers) and Paper Trays.

Have 4 or 5 paper piles. They can include – Garbage, Recycling, To Shred, Geniza, to File.

File in appropriate places and label the places with a description of that that is there.

Office Supplies

Take 4 or 5 Coffee Cans (Elite are good ones) and Tape them Together so they don’t Fall off the desk. Put pens, markers, pencils and knick knacks in each.

One Room at a Time

When One Room is Finished Put a Sign on Door “Chametz Free. Please Do Not Bring any Food in Room”

Feel Good about Accomplishment

Make a list of things to do. Bar things done every time you finish a task. You feel relieved, “I took care of this task already.”

Prioritize

Do the easy things first. or do the things you want to do first to build up your courage.

Remember – the main thing is to clean the house for chametz and to remove it.

No Stop Signs. No Traffic Lights.

Drive as fast as you want.

Drive the the wrong way down a one way street.

Picnic on the Bus Lane.

Park on the Highway.

Anything goes.

Good Idea?

Obviously not.

Laws exist usually to protect the rights, safety and good of society.

Why would you want to abolish them?

Many people don’t observe them?

Yes. But many people do and that helps the world be a safer place.

A predictable, safe world instead of chaos.

G-d gave the Torah to the Jews.

In the Torah are laws to protect the rights, safety and good of society.

There was only one time in history when G-d appeared to a nation of millions of witnesses to give a law – when G-d gave the Torah to the Jews at Mount Sinai.

Many try to say G-d changed his laws. Some base their religion on this concept – that G-d gave the Torah to the Jews and then “changed His mind” about the laws.

Does it make sense that G-d, who knows all – the past, present and future, changed His “mind” and said – “Let Me change My laws”?

Obviously not.

The Torah Laws given 3,300 years ago are still in effect today.

G-d never changed his laws and never changed his people.

Just one answer to those who think “G-d changed his laws.”

“Should Traffic Signs be Abolished?”

Tools are at our disposal to become better.

Acting included.

Molding our Personality

At times a person may be angry, depressed, upset, or fearful.

A person can go to extremes.

The Torah’s path is the path of the center.

Not to be extremely emotional or to be so cold that one does not react.

Not to be stingy or a spendthrift.

Two qualities to distance oneself to opposite extremes are – from anger and from haughtiness.

How to Change?

If a person’s nature is to be hot-tempered, how does he or she change?

The answer is in the actors guidebook. ACT calmly.

Many times a person acts a role outside and it has an effect on the person inside.

A person is sad – what to do? The Torah says one’s mood is to be happy?

ACT happy. Although one’s heart is broken, put a smile on one’s face. Force yourself to smile outside and you will eventually feel happier inside as well. Look at the face of a baby who smiles at you, after a hard day at work. You can’t avoid smiling.

To reach the middle path, we can act to the opposite extreme. For instance, if a person is stingy, he or she can make a point to give out many quarters or dollars to Tzedaka / charity daily. This will train them to become generous and they will likely end up in the middle path. Not stingy, but not a spendthrift either.

Once a woman was selling fruit by her fruit cart. Children, looking for a laugh, took some apples from her cart and ran away. She fumed. She casted many angry and insulting words at them, while they were laughing. That moment, her best customer arrived. When she realized that an angry disposition was not going to help her get the sale, she immediately put a big smile on her face.

People sometimes mold themselves according to their experiences. Some become bitter or depressed, because of the actions of others. These experiences G-d sends to help a person keep their eyes on the ball. To realize their purpose in life and pursue it.

We were brought here to achieve a particular purpose and sometimes we need reminders to stay on target. Ideally one can paint a picture of their ideal self and work their way to become the person they wish to become. Ideally one uses experience to better themselves.

Don’t become bitter – become better.

It is only one letter difference. 🙂

Emotions can be controlled. Our mind can direct what it wants our heart to feel.

Reality Check

Actors at times get so involved in their acting role that the lines between themselves and the acting role become blurred.

To combat this actors have sessions to talk about the personal qualities of other actors together in a group.

We also can conduct a reality check. We do so by taking some time to think and evaluate ourselves and our lives. We can honestly ask ourselves (and even write down):

What is my goal in life?
What is important for me to achieve before I leave the world?
What is my purpose ?
What are my qualities and strengths?
Am I spending too much time escaping and not producing towards my purpose?
What are practical steps I can take to get me closer to achieving my goal in life?
Are there any forces that are hampering my progress in achieving my goals? (Make a Force Field Diagram of Forces pushing you to achieve pitted against forces preventing you from achieving.)
What are the values that I want to teach to my children?
Am I following what G-d expects of me?

The questions are sometimes challenging, but it is better to deal with them now when you can, than later when a person is too old.

I heard a story of a man interested in converting to Judaism. He loved the Torah’s precepts and laws. He kept on pushing off converting till he fell ill. Bedridden, he promised that when he would get better he would convert. Unfortunately, he lost his chance.

Evaluating our life, to see if we are producing will help us achieve our purpose in life. Act quickly and promptly is also essential.

Evaluating Ourselves

Actors receive an evaluation from their peers to keep them attached to reality. It is possible they got the idea from the Yeshivas. Some Yeshivas would have groups of men that were friends together to help them with their goals of self-improvement. They would learn self-improvement works (mussar) and have discussions on how they could improve.

Most important is to know one’s strengths and abilities to be able to achieve one’s purpose in life. One must take an honest look of what their potential is and how it can be used to help others according to Torah.

Torah says, at night before going to sleep one does an accounting of the deeds of the day. We examine the good of our deeds and the lackings to determine What could have been done better. With this one guides their life daily. Doing Teshuva / Returning to Torah ways also helps.

Flattery – Bad Acting

A flatterer is basically an actor. He or she puts on a facade, and words flow from their mouths that have no truth to them for them to get what they want. “That is a beautiful tie.” “We were very impressed by your project.” If you really mean it good. If it is not true, refrain.

Following or Living

In essence one of the questions to come to terms with is : Are we Living or Following? Following the Jones’, without regard for our personality or for our own goals and expectations from the Torah, may bring us down a dark alley away from our proper path. Using our G-d-given abilities and our mind to conduct a reality check regularly, helps assure we will arrive at the proper destination.

We don’t want to come to the next world saying “I wish I would have done this … and this …”

Be Your Real Self

I see sometimes people in the street who are imitators. They see the latest fad or fashion, the latest star or singer and mimic their behavior. They buy fancy clothes and cars so people will associate them with this external “clothing”.

The Torah’s view is the antithesis to this – G-d wants us to be ourselves. It says

“Look into yourself. Know Your Qualities & Your Strengths and be yourself to achieve. Open your mind to your potential. Better Yourself Daily. Be a beautiful individual, not a follower. Be Yourself!”

Good guidebooks to start reaching your potential include: Pirkei Avot and other Self-Improvement Works like: Shaarei Teshuva, Mesilat Yesharim, and Tomer Devora.

For Gentiles I would recommend the book “The Path of the Righteous Gentile”

A person is a soul. The more a person follows Torah, we arrive closer to our ideal self. We become our real self. We reach our inner potential. We start enjoying ourselves and life.

Be positive. Be Proactive. Following the guidance of Torah, You will Go Far.

Some people irk you.

You remember the bad things they did vaguely.

Still have a bad feeling for what they did?

The Torah says “Don’t Bear a Grudge”

It explains the difference between revenge and a grudge.

Revenge is :

You want to borrow a shovel from your neighbor. He says no you can’t use his shovel. The next day he asks to use your lawn-mower. You say “Just like you didn’t lend me your shovel I refuse to lend you my lawn-mower”

This is revenge.

A grudge is :

You want to borrow a shovel from your neighbor. He says no you can’t use his shovel. The next day he asks to use your lawn-mower. You say “Yes I will lend you my lawn-mower, because I am not like you who refused me yesterday.”

This is a grudge.

So how can we get over these feelings of animosity.

One way is to write the name of the person on a piece of paper. Then write all the good things they did for you and all good things about them. Just brainstorm – write as much as you can, don’t judge the answers.

(This person can even be yourself)

Then look at the list to appreciate the person’s good.

Another way :

I noticed that if a person sometimes meets an acquaintance in another city, they are very happy to see them. So imagine that you are in another city when you meet your acquaintance.

Read books about the importance of loving one’s fellow – like loving one’s fellow Jew by the Chofetz Chaim.

Let positive thoughts flow in your mind and push out the negative.

When animosity leaves, peace of mind enters, and your self control is boosted.

Humility is a good quality.

It is often confused with having a low self-worth.

Really a person should know their qualities and positive characteristics.

Humility, is knowing one’s qualities and not using them to look down upon others.

It is using one’s qualities to help others.

It is acknowledging Hash-m in providing you with these qualities.

Thus each person should recognize and know their own greatness to be able to accomplish as much as they can to help the Jewish people and the world.

Moses was the most humble of all men. Yet his accomplishments were the greatest of all people.

Here is a list of qualities from the book – Gateway to Happiness by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.

You should feel good about yourself:

Able ● Accepting ● Accessible ● Accomplished ● Accurate ● Adaptable ● Adept ● Adroit ● Affable ● Agile ● Agreeable ● Altruistic ● Ambitious ● Amicable ● Appreciative ● Articulate ● Assertive ● Astute ● Attentive ● Aware ● Beloved ● Benefactor ● Benevolent ● Blissful ● Brave ● Bright ● Brilliant ● Buoyant● Calm ● Candid ● Capable ● Careful ● Caring ● Cautious ● Charitable ● Cheerful ● Clear ● Colorful ● Compassionate ● Composed ● Confident ● Conscientious ● Considerate ● Consistent ● Content ● Cooperative ● Courageous ● Creative ● Daring ● Dauntless ● Decisive ● Deep ● Deliberative ● Dependable ● Devoted ● Devout ● Dexterous ● Dignified ● Diligent ● Direct ● Discreet ● Easygoing ● Earnest ● Educated ● Effective ● Efficient ● Eloquent ● Energetic ● Enthusiastic ● Erudite ● Ethical ● Exact ● Expressive ● Faithful ● Farsighted ● Flexible ● Fluent ● Forgiving ● Frank ● Friendly ● Frugal ● Generous ● Gentle ● Genuine ● Gifted ● Giving ● Good-natured ● Graceful ● Grateful ● Handy ● Happy ● Hardworking ● Healthy ● Helpful ● Honest ● Honorable ● Hopeful ● Hospitable ● Humane ● Humble ● Idealistic ● Imaginative ● Imperturbable ● Indefatigable ● Industrious ● Intellectual ● Intelligent ● Intrepid ● Influences others ● Interesting ● Introspective ● Jolly ● Joyful ● Kind ● Kindhearted ● Knowledgeable● Leadership personality ● Learned ● Lenient ● Level-headed ● Likeable ● Lively ● Lofty ● Logical ● Loving ● Loyal● Magnanimous ● Mature ● Merciful ● Methodical ● Meticulous ● Mild ● Modest ● Moral ● Natural ● Noble ● Novel ● Obedient ● Objective ● Open ● Optimistic ● Orderly ● Organized ● Original ● Outgoing ● Outspoken ● Painstaking ● Patient ● Peace of mind ● Peaceful ● Perspective ● Persevering ● Persuasive ● Poised ●Polished ● Polite ● Popular ● Potential ● Practical ● Precise ● Productive ● Prompt ● Prudent ● Punctual ● Quiet ● Quieting ● Rapport with people ● Rational ● Realistic ● Reasonable ● Refined ● Relaxed ● Reliable ● Resourceful ● Respectful ● Responsible ● Righteous ● Saintly ● Scholarly ● Scrupulous ● Selfless ● Self-control ● Self-esteem ● Self-respect ● Self-sacrificing ● Sense of humor● Sensible● Sensitive● Serene ● Serious ● Sharp ● Sincere ● Skillful ● Smart ● Sociable ● Speedy ● Spirited ● Spiritual ● Stable ● Steadfast ● Steady ● Straightforward ● Studious ● Sweet ● Swift ● Sympathetic ● Systematic ● Tactful ● Talented ● Tasteful ● Thankful ●_ Thorough ● Thoughtful ● Thrifty ● Tidy ● Tolerant ● Tranquil ● Trustful ● Trustworthy ● Truthful ● Unafraid ● Understanding ● Upright ● Venturesome ● Vigorous ● Virtuous ● Warm ● Wholehearted ● Wise ● Will-power ● Zestful

Print it and circle your good qualities. And keep it on your wall to remind you how good you really are.
Order the Card Here

Breakfast.

Eating semi-crisp cereal, you are engrossed reading what is standing on the table.

You can’t hold a book and eat. You don’t want to get milk on your Ipad.

So you read the back of the cereal box.

And maybe even a can of Lysol left by the cleaning lady.

As you munch away you stare at the list of the creatures that Lysol kills.

“Kills the following household germs in 10 minutes.”

Viruses:
Influenza A Virus (New Caledonia/20/99)†
Avian Influenza A Virus (H1N1)
Influenza B Virus (Strain B/Hon Kong/5/72)
Rhinovirus Type 39†
Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV)
Rotavrius WA
Hepatitis A Virus
Poliovirus Type 1
Feline Calicivirus (Norovirus)

Bacteria & Fungi:
Salmonella Enterica
Escherichia Coli O157:H7 (E. Coli)
Klebsiella Pneumoniae – NDM-1 Positive*
Klebsiella Pneumoniae Carbapenem Resistant*
Streptococcus Pyogenes
Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA)*
Vancomycin Resistant Enterococcus Faecalis (VRE)*
Listeria Monocytogenes
Pseudomonas Aeruginosa
Trichophyton Mentagrophytes (Athlete’s Foot Fungus)
Aspergillus Niger (Mold & Mildew)††
Penicillium Chrysogenum††

Many germs that some people cannot even pronounce.

Then it tells where can Lysol be used:

Ambulances
Cafeterias
Clinics
Day Care Centers
Hospitals
Laboratories
Offices
Kitchens
Medical Offices
Nursuries
Nursing Homes
Restaurants
Schools

If you told a person “I saw an Ambulance (or any other place on the list) that was put together by random parts flying in the wind”, they would surely look at you with a raised eyebrow.

Yet some people say all the germs above were formed by random molecules flying together in the wind. And other people say “really?”

Logical?

You decide.

Someone texted me “You are Number 10”

I went up to him and said “Hey, I thought I was Number 1!”

Really I knew what he meant. Everyday a Jew prays.

It is best for men to pray together in a quorum of 10 Men – called a minyan.

If together there are 10 men over the age of Bar Mitzvah, certain prayers can be said and the Sefer Torah can be read in Public, on days when the Sefer Torah is read.

For instance – Kaddish – the Mourners prayer can only be said in a quorum of 10 Men.

Daily prayer is way for people to connect with Hash-m. Women also must pray, but they only are obligated with one formal prayer a day. They Choose. If they want to pray the 3 Formal prayers daily – Arvit / the Evening Prayer, Shahrit / the Morning Prayer, and Mincha / the Afternoon Prayer- more power to them.

When one prays to Hash-m, he or she relieves himself from daily concerns and put’s them in the “hands” of the one that said “Let there be Light.”

You feel a connection to the creator and a part of a greater good.

What is Prayer

A Question arises about prayer – If G-d does only the good for a Person, why pray? G-d will give you the good you deserve anyway.

One answer is : Prayer in Hebrew is Tephillah. It comes from the root Pallel – which means to judge. When we pray, we judge ourselves and become more worthy of the good that Hash-m wants to provide. We become a vessel to accept G-d’s blessing.

Part of Community

Being part of the community, one feels needed. One contributes to the greater good of the community of Israel. One learns Torah. One meets new people. One gets involved in new Mitzvah projects.

In essence you are always needed.

Another Friend Texted me Today, at about the same time.

“We Need You.”

Join an Orthodox Synagogue near you. You and your family are needed.

Instead of Doing things that seem to be fun
Do things that need to be done.

Or make the things that need to be done
into things that are fun.

A good friend is worth more than gold.

Torah recognizes this, stating “Acquire for yourself a Friend.” Our commentators explain – do so even with money (ie, by giving them gifts, helping them, etc.)

In Pirkei Avot / Ethics of the Fathers it says:

For Self-Actualization
Yehoshua son of Perahia and Nitai the Arbeli received it from them. Yehoshua ben Perahia says: Make a Rabbi of/for yourself, and acquire for yourself a friend and judge each person favorably. (Pirkei Avot 1:6)

A Rabbi that can answer your Jewish outlook, life guidance, ethical and halachic [Jewish Law] questions is essential for balanced living.

A friend that can understand you is also essential. It could be a parent, a spouse or a good person. Choosing a friend, one should assure himself that they have your interests in mind and not theirs.

Many people are lonely or lost.

They seek companionship or someone that understands them or someone that can reach out to them and empathize with their trials and travails.

At times a person might answer you roughly or curtly. We can either be ruffled or we can try to look at the picture from their point of view. Perhaps they answered you that way because they suffer deep down.

The Torah says to Judge each person on a scale of merit.

It is up to us to be able to read people to see not only what they are saying but how they are feeling inside.

True Friendship

A friend is not necessarily one that will agree with you or complete your every whim. He or she sees what you lack and tells you or helps you to complete this lack.

There were once two drunkards lying in the street. One asked the other “Do You Love Me?”

The other said “Sure I Love You!”

The first replied “If you love me tell me what I am lacking”

A real friend sees what the other is lacking and helps.

We welcome anyone to befriend us and will offer the proper advice to people in need.

The end of the quote is Judge everybody on a scale of merit. It doesn’t mean to be naive. It means, if you see they are sincere, that take into account where the person is coming from and help him or her how you can.

One who does need help should not shy away from seeking help from others. It is not a shame to ask for help. Everybody on earth needs the help of others.

Aside from seeking human help, One can always call out to Hash-m / G-d for help. Direct your prayers to Him sincerely and explain clearly what you want. He is the ultimate “Friend” that helps when one calls out to Him.

= = =

[We regret the loss of our friend – Henry Zilberman – who helped us in times of need]

I remember when I was younger in the south of France for a friend’s Bar Mitzvah celebration.

A handsome young man, I was walking down a street surrounded by the summer air and typical European buildings in the warm beautiful sunlight.

Walking side-by-side with a girl with whom I was friendly, she started holding my hand.

I felt so close. I realized she liked me.

After the Bar Mitzvah celebration we parted our ways and hardly spoke due to our business with our separate lives.

Looking back, many years later, I realize that we were not meant for each other – even though she was a great person.

Those were the days before I was observing the Jewish Laws of Negiah / Touching.

Marriage can be a great opportunity to grow and give and live.

One of the reasons for marriage is to help a person reach their potential.

But because you like someone it doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them.

There are many factors that one can look at before getting married.

The Celibacy Challenge

I heard a story recently about Gila Manolson, who wrote a book called “Outside Inside” on Jewish Modesty and one called “The Magic Touch” on celibacy before marriage. She said that once she was giving a lecture in a University and at the end of the class she challenged the class to not touch members of the opposite gender for a month (In Hebrew we call this Shomer Negiah – Being Careful about Touching) . When she left, the class started discussing the possibility of observing the challenge.

They agreed to do it.

After three months she inquired, what ever happened about that “experiment” about not touching the opposite gender before marriage.

She found that seven couples emerged that eventually got married together.

Apparently their mind was not clouded by feelings enabling them to decide that the mate had good values, character traits, were mentally stable – ie, didn’t have psychological issues, were kind, etc.

Dating – Highway to Finding Ideal Mate or to Dead End Relationship?

Used properly, Dating can help a person reach one step closer to marriage. It can help a person sort out prospects from non-prospects. This is when dating’s objective is to find the proper marriageable mate.

Many times dating leads to a dead end relationship. People pass time with a person to have a good time – but that person has no intention of marriage whatsoever. They use dating as a tool to fulfill their selfish desires.

What is in the Minds of Men

The author got to the root of what was in the minds of many of the men (and perhaps women) in the class. Many men said they had no intention whatsoever to marry their dating partner. While women had the idea that the men eventually wanted to marry. Unfortunately many young women and men fall into this trap. They find a mate that they “fall in love” with and they pass many years of their life, getting nowhere. When women realize it was a dead end, sometimes they are too old to have children. When men realize it was a dead-end relationship, they realize they lost many precious years of life that they could have been building instead of escaping.

Or at times a person marries the person they “fell in love” with and it turns out that mate is a snake. They cheat, torment and/or beat their mate and they fell for it because of “love.”

Thus dating to find if one is the right marriageable mate makes more sense than dating for dating.

The people one dates are not necessarily the ideal candidate for marriage. It depends on what your objective for dating is. Ask yourself “Do I date to find a life-time marriage partner or just to have a good time?” Dating is to spend an agreeable time together – marriage is to build a family. Sometimes the couple can achieve both. It takes work.

Thinking Before Feeling

Ideally to get married one should first answer rationally – “is this a person that I want to help build my family with?” That is why Orthodox Jews date – not with the objective of having agreeable time together, but to find someone that will help to found a family based on the solid values of the Torah.

First they pose their conditions to narrow the pool of potential mates. They must be Jewish, religious – ie, observing the laws of Judaism, have a proper Torah Hashkafa (Jewish Outlook), have good values and character traits. They do their research – if a mate has potential – they inquire with friends, rabbis, teachers, etc about the person. They ask pointed questions – like :

– Does the person have any psychological issues?
– Do they have health issues? Which ones?
– Are they able to bear children?
– Does the person get angry quickly?
– Were they ever put in jail or convicted of a crime? If yes, why?
– Can you name three incidents that you saw that you thought were improper in your eyes?
– Can you name three incidents of what they did that was positive?
– What are their strengths?
– What are their weaknesses?
– Can you describe their trait of responsibility?
– How do they treat their fellow man?
– Do they talk a lot about themselves?
– Are they humble? what is an example how you know this?
– What do they like to do in their spare time?
– What Mitzvah are they particularly careful about?
– What Mitzvah are they not particularly careful about?
– What are some of the things that they value?
– Do they have a sincere desire for growth in Torah and Mitzvot?
– What personality traits do they have that you think would make a good husband or wife?
– What are three traits that you would think that they would have to improve to be a good husband or wife?

It is better to ask pointed questions – than to ask general questions like – “are they nice?” Every body can be nice in their own way. Think of your own pointed questions to dig out the truth on this person. Better to ask open-ended questions than those with “yes” or “no” answers. Follow up on “Yes” or “No” questions with “Can you explain or give me examples of what you mean?” Now is the time to dig out the details so that you will make a proper life decision. Ideally, Marriage is forever – a couple remains married in this world and the next.

The three major things one should find out about a potential mate is their Hashkafa / Jewish Outlook and Values, Desire for growth, and Character Traits.

Once the basic foundations are there, the couple meets and determines if their personalities are compatible, if the mate is attractive to them and if they have common goals in life. The Date is specifically to determine if the person is a good prospect for marriage. Having a good time during the date is also part of it – the secondary – but not the priority.

Lashon HaRah / Speaking Badly About Others

It is forbidden to speak badly about a fellow Jew according to the Torah – even if it is 100% true. But if it is for a purpose / Toelet – like to find out if a person is good potential mate – one is allowed to ask about, say and listen to bad things about a fellow Jew – to assure that they do not fall into a trap of marrying a mate that is improper for them.

Thus when inquiring about a prospect, one should explain to the person that you are asking, that you are interested in this person for a possible Shidduch / Meeting Date. You might want to explain that the questions you ask are for the purpose of this information and so that they will be able to expose some points about the prospect that they would not be able to divulge had it not been for a purpose.

The Lure of Romance and Kind Words

Women who read romance novels or have a family that does not appreciate her value – sometimes fall into the lure of seeking romance. The charming prince that will sweep her off her feet to a rosy land of delight. Or sometimes they fall for the man that talks nice words. They thus sometimes meet a person of this type that speaks nicely or seems romantic or nice – but is really a wily snake. When they realize the truth – it is sometimes too late. Either they have already fallen for the person or they are married and it is difficult to get out.

Suspect but Respect

Thus, using one’s head and “suspecting, but respecting” are some of the requirements in due diligence before finding a mate.

“I’m In Love”…Really?

Many answer the question of “why do you want to marry this person?” with “Because I am in Love.”

Then you ask “Why do you love that person?” and they say “Because s/he makes me feel so good.”

Unfortunately it is really infatuation in disguise. That is self-gratification. The difference between love and infatuation is love is “other-centered” and infatuation is “self-centered”.

Love is what I can give to someone else. Like when one loves a child, they try to provide for all their physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs.

Infatuation can be best described by a story.

A person asked another “what would you like to eat?”

He said “I Love Fish!” The other person, thinking, said to him: “Do you really love Fish?” He answered “Absolutely.” So he said if you loved fish you wouldn’t trap it, then cut it up and fry it! You don’t love fish. “You love yourself!”

Some marry because of the way the other makes them feel. This is self gratification. It is based on making yourself feel good. It is not based on the apprecaitoin of the qualities of the other person. The person can be a bully, a violent person. So it is not really love of the other person it is love of how one feels with that person – that is infatuation and self gratification.

One must be practical when choosing a mate and love comes later after much giving. Like we see with the Patriarchs of Judaism – First Yaakov / Jacob married Rachel then He loved her. He first was married then he developed feelings of love. Love comes as a result of giving not taking.

That doesn’t mean one should marry a person they don’t like. It means that “that they make me feel good” should not be the only requirement in getting married.

It is possible this is the reason for the high rate of divorce. Because people don’t look at the practical issues or the character traits of the other before marriage. Do Your Homework before You Get Married!

Prayer to Hashem and Effort

Praying to G-d to help you find the right person and to make the right decision once you find them, is also due diligence. Making strides in Mitzvah Observance is also a positive step. (See below). Also speaking with the people that can help you find the right mate is also in order. One must make their proper effort to search for the right mate.

Prayer for a Soul Mate

I was once looking to go out with a girl. I would pray “G-d please help me marry this Girl.”

We were practically engaged, but we realized we were not for each other. So we broke it off.

Prayer has to give some leeway to G-d. What I did was to pray to marry a particular woman that I thought was appropriate for me. He answered my prayer – He helped me to become closer to marrying this girl. In the end I realized she was not the right one. The Proper prayer would have been –

“Please G-d please help me to find the particular mate that is good for me, that will help me reach my potential in serving You and help to bring up our kids in the good and just path of Torah and Mitzvot. May it be Your will that she have good character traits, the proper Torah values and be kindhearted. May it be your will that when I do meet her that I will have the proper wisdom to recognize that she is for me.”

This is a prayer that gives “leeway” to G-d.

Shomer Negiah – Being Careful about Touch

There is a Halacha / Jewish law that a Jew should not touch members of the opposite gender. This applies to almost all people except for close family members – ie, immediate family – ie, mother, father, daughter, son and spouse. Thus this makes things much easier in dating. The closeness brought about because of touching that biases ones decision is removed, because the couple does not touch. Thus the people can make a more rational and better marriage decision and this leads to more solid marriages and less divorce.

Marry the Mate that Will Bring You and Your Family the Most

A Man wants to find a woman that has the proper values to raise the children in the good and just path of the Torah. A woman that is kind hearted, and has fear of heaven.

A Woman wants to marry a man that has the potential to bring in warmth and love and Mitzvoth to the family. The woman gains much of her reward for the next world from the Mitzvot the husband does and from her children learning in a Torah day school or Yeshiva. Thus many women want to marry Torah Scholars – because they recognize the great value of Torah and bring in much Mitzvot by their Torah learning. Obviously many woman who want this are mainly interested that their husband will help the Klal Yisrael / the congregation of Israel.

A Jewish woman or Jewish who “intermarries” loses the tremendous reward for the Mitzvot that their mate does.

The thing that should be of high importance is the character traits of the person. Is the person giving or stingy? Are they benevolent or selfish? These are things that one would be smart to inquire about before marriage from a third party. Observation does not always tell the whole story. Some people are great actors before marriage, but after marriage they change their face.

Many people ask more questions before buying a potential car than they do before dating a potential mate. It should be the opposite – a car lasts about 10 years, while marriage should last forever.

To Marry a Princess become a Prince

I usually suggest to people of marriageable age to reinforce themselves in Torah and Mitzvot. G-d will match you with a person that is similar to you. If you hang out in drinking bars – so you will likely meet the type of woman or man that likes to hang out in bars. Is that the best kind of mate to raise a Torah family? You decide.

If you are Shomer Shabbat, G-d will help you meet someone who also respects the Sabbath. If you are keeping Kosher, Hash-m will help you find someone who is also Kosher.

Marriage to Reach Potential for Achieving Purpose in Life

Marriage is to help a couple reach it’s potential in serving Hash-m together. Having children is the first Torah commandment. Teaching them to serve G-d through Torah helps a couple to guide their children in the proper path and help them to reach a meaningful life and their potential in this world. Thus the Torah’s requirement for Jewish people to marry Jews – so that together they can give the family the proper education and tools to reach their potential, achieve happiness and walk in the pleasant ways of Hash-m.