In parashat VaYetze (Bereshit / Genesis) Yaakov Avinu has a wedding. His father in law switches the bride. In the morning Yaakov, who inteded to marry Rachel – finds out that he actually married Leah – her twin sister. This trick causes Yaakov hatred against Leah. It might have been a small moment (As says the Ben Ish Chai) or it could have been as great prompting him to want to divorce Leah (Ramban). Hash-m (G-d) sees that Leah is hated and opens her womb to have children.

Hatred is not a cause and effect situation. Someone does something bad – that causes hatred. No. You choose to hate. [Thus all hatred because Jews were poor or rich or successful is just a pretext for hatred]

Apparently – Yaakov should have seen this switch to be from Hash-m and accepted it with love.

What can we learn. Our children or family’s act doesn’t cause our hatred. It helps us to choose to hate.

In the Sefer on Questions asked to Rabbi Haim Kanievsky – it mentions that if you don’t love a person 100% it means that you hate them the difference. Meaning – let’s say you love a person on 90 points and you could love them 100 points – you have 10 points of hatred against them.

What to do? How to stop the hatred cycle? We can stop associating acts to our level of love. Because they didn’t make dinner – I should hate them. No we can say there is a valid reason for the lack of dinner and not have an act cause hatred for our spouse, child or anyone else for that matter.

Obviously this does not mean we should condone evil or be lifeless without reaction. It just teaches us not to always associate acts with hatred of a person.

At the time of Covid – a couple was getting married. In the middle of the marriage – the police broke up the reception and detained the couple in the police station. The Kallah / Bride was crying in the police station.

Not long after a man came to the father of one of the spouses and admitted that it was he who denounced the wedding reception to the police. He asked for forgiveness. After much convincing the father forgave the man. But he said – that he also had to ask forgiveness from the married couple.

After much agonizing the hatan / groom forgave. The Kallah / bride refused. She said “I won’t forgive. What was supoosed to be one of the happiest days of my life – you turned it to one of the saddest! I will never forgive you!”

The family rabbi understood the Kallah’s anger at the man. Yet he knew it was praiseworthy to forgive. He spoke with the Kallah saying a story. Once a rabbi was observing a sleeping man. In his slumber a scorpion wanted to bite him – but a cat came an killed the scorpion. When he woke up he walked away and the ground where he slept collapsed. Astounded, the rabbi asked the man – what do you do to merit that miracles are performed for you? He replied – “Before I go to sleep I always forgive the people who slighted or wronged me.”

The girl heard and decided to forgive. Some time later – she & her husband were driving together and the car veered off a high embankment. The car tumbled down. The couple came out alive. The rabbis attributed their merit of surviving to their forgiving others.

We are upset by others. Some hold a grudge for years. The grudge didn’t help them at all. But they still hold on tightly. Let it go. Why do I hate?

Yoseph Hatzadik (Joseph) was sold into slavery by his brothers. When their father died – they expressed that Yaakov (their father) wanted Yoseph to forgive them. Yosef didn’t give a verbal forgiveness. Because of this him and his brothers came back as reincarnations and were punished for their deeds against Yoseph. Yoseph also was reincarnated because he did not forgive.

Someone I know was apparently swindled. She said she would never forgive him. Someone explained to her if she would not forgive – she and him would be reincarnated and he would have to return to her the money taken in another reincarnation. She said she would rather forgive. She prefered to forgive than to re-live.

It’s also forbidden to bear a grudge. It says “Lo Tisneh et achicha bilvavecha” Do not hate your brother in your heart.

Some include in their wedding invitations a card asking for forgiveness for any wrong they did.