Category Archives: Judaism

Go To Yourself

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This Week’s Parasha / Weekly Torah Reading – Hash-m tells Avram (soon to become Avraham) – Lech Lecha … – Go For Yourself from your land from your birthplace from your father’s house to the land that I will show you. Avram goes.

Lech Lecha – can also mean “Go to Yourself”

People say “I want to be Me!” but they end up imitating friends, society, media characters and the like. Hash-m is telling Avram – Be Yourself. Develop the good you have in yourself and express it outside. Avram is well known for his kindness. He has guests. He defends the lives of wicked people – Sodom – from being destroyed.

When Defending Sodom – he asks G-d are there righteous people within the city. When G-d says no. Then Avram relents. Why – righteous people “within the city”? A righteous person is like a candle – they can bring light to a room full of darkness / evil. Avram asked this to assure that these people “within the city” – ie, influential people – would influence the others to become better.

Becoming Your Real Self

One way for a person to reach their real selves is to learn & observe Torah. This allows a person to become their true good self. It allows them to bring out the good in them. The Torah is like salt – it brings out a person’s true nature. Thus one should work on perfecting their nature – while learning Torah. For if one has a bad nature – it might bring that out as well.

One way for a person to more easily become their true selves is to move a way to a community that they can be positively influenced to the good. A community that has a good Orthodox Jewish congregation that encourages personal growth.

When I was younger – I moved to Geneva, Switzerland for a Job as a Marketing Director for a Private Banking Software Company. There – I was away from my old environment. I attended Shiurim / Torah lectures. I participated in community Shabbat gatherings. Being away from my home town helped me to reflect and to grow.

 

Leadership – Eight Qualities that Made Moses a Great Leader

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Moses or Moshe Rabbeinu / Our Teacher – was the ultimate leader. He was a king of Ethiopia. He confronted Pharaoh to let the Jews out of Egypt and initiated plagues against him. He led the Jews out of Egypt. He negotiated with G-d / Hash-m to save the Jewish People. He Fought wars against Amalek and other Enemies of the Jews. One of his most challenging tasks was to Judge and lead the people of Israel for 40 years in the desert.

I recently heard a Shiur / Lecture of Rabbi Meir Eliyahu. He said the secret of Moshe’s success is found in the words : Hazak VeEmatz / Be Strong and Resolute – (in Devarm / Deut 31:7) – when Moshe is transferring the Mantle of leadership to Yehoshua / Joshua:

Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel: “Be strong and resolute, for it is you who shall go with this people into the land that the HASH-M swore to their fathers to give them, and it is you who shall apportion it to them.

These are the qualities that successful leaders have:

H’et – H’ochma – Wisdom and Haritza – effectiveness. It is not just any wisdom – it is Torah wisdom. Torah gives a person wisdom to deal with people and all situations properly. Torah is the thought’s of G-d. Thus after thinking a situation out according to Torah Hashkafa and wisdom – a person makes more intelligent decisions. Effectiveness comes from getting things done – Moshe wasted no time to implement decisions.

Zayin – Zerizut – alacrity / quickness. When Moshe received the commandment to make refuge cities – he quickly established them – even though they were only to be used many ears later. He did not push off the war against the Midianites – even though he knew he would die after the war ended.

Kuf – Kedusha – holiness – When a person is holy – according to Torah – he is able to see things the average man will not.

Vav – Vatranut – yielding and overlooking slights – Moshe overlooked slights to his honor and opportunities for advancement to make peace.

Aleph – Amitzut – Strength / Resolute – Moshe was resolute to do something when he made a decsion to do it.

Mem – Metivat Ishit LaTzibur – Doing personal good for the congregation / Metinut – thought Out and deliberate – Moshe’s primary interest was the good of the congregation – not his personal popularity in the public’s eyes. His concern was to find favor in the eyes of G-d and man. He did not seek votes – seek the lowest common denominator of morality to get approval. He had and lived by the standards of Hash-m & His Torah – and sought to bring people up to those standards.

Tzadi – Tzadik – being righteous – Righteousness is a trait that helps a person keep their position. How many people have fallen because they took bribes, or worse holding a public office.

Moshe was the most humble of all men – yet he was the ultimate leader.

Getting a Sunny Personality – Accepting Insult with Grace

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People insult.

The Giving End of Insults

We are sometimes on the giving end. I try not to insult people. I think – what do you gain? You make another person feel badly and you didn’t gain anything. Now that they are more angry at you because you insulted them – they are going to do what you want?

The concept of “Sticks and Stones may break my bones – but names will never harm me.” is not a true concept according to Torah. Words can hurt. Onaat Devarim / Pain With Words are a set of halachot / Jewish laws that Jews learn to not hurt others with words.

The Receiving End of Insults

We sometimes are on the receiving end of insults. I try not to get insulted by insults. I figure the other person had a bad day or something. Because the other person called me a donkey – did that make me into a donkey? No. It says in Torah – if someone calls you a donkey – prepare a saddle for your back. (Baba Kama 92b) Meaning – Don’t answer their insult – and acquiesce – rather than respond angrily – to their words.

The Healthy Sun

A French expression says “Sickness does not enter where the sun is.” So it is good to live in a place that has sunlight. Also – when a person has a sunny personality – he or she is less likely to become ill. People who let insults slide – do not hold grudges and feel anger or hatred. They avoid negative emotions & stress to have a negative physical effect on their bodies.

The Reward for Not Responding to Insults

The Torah says “Someone who is insulted but does not insult, One Who hears their degradation and answers not is like the Sun in it’s zenith” (Talmud: Tractate Shabbat 88b)

The atonement that does for all of his sins is greater than any other reparation he can make.

When One is Like the Sun

I was speaking with my friend Yossi. He explained to me why that kind of person is compared to the Sun. Why not say – he is like a lion?

Why is the Moon Smaller than the Sun

He answered – when Hash-m created the sun and the moon He created them the same size.

The moon complained – he said – “Hash-m there cannot be two rulers in the sky. G-d answered him – you are right. Make yourself smaller.”

When the sun was summoned to the discussion by Hash-m – Hash-m asked the sun – what does he have to say? The sun responded – with astonishment. He didn’t understand why he was summoned. He meant to say: “I don’t understand why I am summoned – It is You Hash-m who knows all. It is You who are the ruler of the world – what can I say?”

In that – the insulted who does not respond is like the sun. He accepts Hash-m’s judgement favorably, without complaint.

King David’s Reward

When Shimi ben Gera insulted David HaMelech / King David – His general said this man is rebellious against the King – let us kill him. David Hamelech replied – it is not he who insulted me – it is Hash-m who organized this.” His reward was so great – that his face was placed on the Throne of Glory.

The Best $250 I Ever Lost – Finding the Right Jewish School for Your Child

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I remember “Back to School” days. I was so excited. I had fresh new notebooks, new pens and pencils in a tidy pencil case. Everything was spiffy and new. I had new clothes for the new school year. I was eager to meet my new classmates and talk with my old friends.

It was a time of innocence.

The Jew Who Started Formal Education

By the way – the person who started schooling for the general population was a Jewish sage – Joshua ben Gamla – who lived about 1900 years ago. He – the Talmud (Tractate Bava Bathra 21a) states – instituted formal Jewish education and primary schooling. Prior to this, parents taught their children informally. He instituted schools in every town and made education compulsory from the age of 6 or 7.

Consulting G-d About Your Child

Three partners are responsible for the creation of man – the father, the mother and Hashem. The man and woman provide the physical parts – and G-d provides the soul. Thus I mention that before deciding on the welfare of one’s child – they should consult all partners – meaning the Mother, the Father and Hash-m. So when a person wants to send their child to a school – they should also consult the Torah opinion – which represents the view of Hash-m – by asking a competent Orthodox Rabbi.

Difference Between Torah Day Schools and Secular School

Today’s Torah Day Schools teach Kodesh / the Holy – Torah Subjects – and Hol / the Profane – like Math, English, History, Science and the like.

Secular schools do not teach ethics, proper behavior or religion. In secular schools it may even be prohibited. Torah schools – teach Torah topics – which teaches the children to respect parents, do kindness, respect the environment, respect authority and more.

Secular schools offer free tuition. One pays tuition for children enrolled in Torah Day schools. Many offer scholarships. Even if one cannot afford the tuition – they work with parents.

Is Free Really Free?

Free is not free. The money Jewish parents save in sending children to a secular school – is lost by the lack of respect, involvement with drugs and immorality children learn in the secular schools. The secular studies in Torah day schools is of high quality – reaching or exceeding the levels of the secular schools.

Jewish Continuity and Torah Schooling

Those who enroll in a Torah day school are much more likely to adhere to the continuity of the Jewish people – by eventually marrying within the faith. A statistic from a National Jewish Population Study found that Over 95% of those that attend Torah Day schools for 12 years marry within the Jewish faith – as opposed to 30% of people who marry within the Jewish faith of Jews that never had a Jewish education.

Reward for Parents and Kids

Every word of Torah learned gives tremendous reward to the learner – so parents and kids benefit in two ways – the children become better individuals & they get rewarded for learning Torah. The parents get part of the reward because they chose to put their child in an Orthodox Torah Day school.

Better Children

Torah day schools teach – mussar – how to be a better person – but also kids learn Yearat Shamayim – fear of Heaven or of Hash-m. I heard a child develops their awe of G-d before the age of three – so it is well worthwhile to put a child in a Torah day school from a young age.

Neutrality or Partiality of Secular Schools

I heard from school faculty – that Public Schools Today are not as “Parve” / neutral as one would think. A lot of secular schools impose societies “mores & morals” on children. Many which go against Torah ideals. So today it not a neutral thing to place a child in a secular school – the schools try to indoctrinate the children with society’s values.

G-d is with You – the Importance of Yireat Shamayim – Fear of Heaven

Some will ask why is fear of Hash-m important? A person is most of the time on their own. They act the way they feel. Nothing is really stopping them from doing, saying or thinking things that are harmful to others or themselves. When one fears Hash-m – they act with more restraint – for they know G-d is always with them watching them. But it also teaches a child that they are never alone – One of their parents – Hash-m is always with them.

The Choice between Two Jewish Schools

About 20 years ago – we were trying to select a school. We had a choice between – a Traditional Torah day school and a more Modern “Jewish” Nursery School. After weighing the Pros and Cons – we decided to enroll in the Modern “Jewish” Nursery School. We paid $250 for registration fees.  We went to the orientation session. Sitting in the little children seats – the teacher was proudly explaining what they were going to teach the innocent children.

As part of the demonstration – she proudly pointed to a large Television. She said “and every day we show the kids cartoons of popular cartoon characters.” A red flag went up in my and my spouse’s mind. “What? You want children to learn Torah values – from Mickey Mouse?! What kind of Jewish education is that? Is a misrepresentation to call yourself a Jewish school and teach the children street values.”

After the orientation – we politely exited and registered in a Traditional Torah Day School – not far from our home – that was under the auspices of a well-known and respected Orthodox rabbi. We lost the $250 registration fee from the other school. If I remember correctly – the Traditional Torah Day School – waived the registration fee. We were very satisfied with the education and the Yireat Shamayim they learned there.

The Torah day school staff was kind in letting us register at such a late date. Usually – registering for a Torah day school takes place about 8-10 months before school starts. We registered last minute.

That’s the best $250 I ever lost.

Hospital & Doctor Statistics – Should They Have Checks & Balances & Standards to Live up to as Well?

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In Torah it says – you shall surely guard your soul. One Meaning is – you should do your utmost to be, and remain healthy.

I was discussing the Covid era. Some Hospitals were marking the cause of certain non-covid related deaths as Covid-related. For Covid patients – they might have received $50,000 dollars per patient from the government.

I heard one hospital reported a Covid related death – when a person fell from a ladder.

OK. They can Report what they want. But there should be a consequence or a check and balance. For instance – let’s say they are obligated to report – amount of people treated – based upon who they bill. Then they would report – how many people healed. For instance let’s say 100 people were treated for covid – and 98 people survived. So they would have a 98% covid healing rate rate.So if they report more Covid related deaths – yes they would get more money from the government – but they would lose in terms of “percent of people healed by ailment” statistics. Thus they would not be so quick to report a death as Covid related. Their income might go up. But in the long term that doctor or hospital would lose customers because people would “shop” for the best hospital or doctor based upon statistics.

Caring Doctors would apply for jobs to hospitals that have high healing statistics. Or Caring doctors might go to hospitals with low healing statistics – to help bring up the healing statistics of the hospitals.

These statistics should be readily available for a person to make informed decisions. They do it for cars – shouldn’t they do it for hospitals.

I think also they should have statistics for amount cesarean sections per pregnancies. If the hospital is high in that statistic – women would have the information necessary to choose a hospital best suited for her needs.

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This Post is Dedicated to My Friend Reuven Ohayon, z”l – who recently succumbed to Covid.

 

 

Dreams – What are they Telling Us? – the 4 Kinds of Dreams

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In Talmud Tractate Berakhot (55a) it talks about interpretation of dreams. It says a dream that is not interpreted is like a letter that is not opened.

How to interpret Dreams

How can you interpret dreams? Interpret them in a positive way. Once two rabbis went to a dream interpreter. One paid his fee – one did not. To the one that paid he interpreted the dream positively. To the one that did not pay – even though the dream was very similar – he interpreted it in a negative manner. Everything that he interpreted came to fruition. In the end one saw in his dream interpretation guide – that dreams go according to the interpretation.

When someone tells a Moroccan Jew – they had a dream – they usually reply “Halom Tov. Halom Shalom.” / A good dream. A dream of peace. Thus it’s better to ask a person who likes you to interpret it rather than someone who holds a grudge against you.

I was talking with a person – he mentioned that there are various forms of dreams. He mentioned two – but I think there are more.

Dreams of Day’s Events

One is a dream that was prompted by the events of the day or the ideas in the person’s mind. This kind of dream – could be just a fear being put into a story or a thought of the days happenings.

This dream might reveal to a person ways to correct themselves. I read a story from Torah about a similar incident – where one used the message of a dream to correct themselves.

He gave me an example. Once someone dreamed about Sadaam Husein. He was taken aback that in the dream Sadaam was inviting him to sit next to him. When he woke – he expressed his thoughts about Sadaam – that he was cruel and heartless. He thought of his deeds of that day – and found that he acted in a heartless manner to someone he spoke with on the phone and hung up on him. He realized that that was the message of the dream and called up the person to apologize of his cold and heartless behavior.

Dreams of the Prophetic Kind

Some have dreams similar to prophecy. In English (or really French) – we call them Deja Vu – which is the French for “already was seen.” If a person has a disturbing dream – according to halacha / Jewish law – he or she may fast on Shabbat – the day where we are to eat 3 meals – to nullify the the dream. Like we learned in the Yom Kippur Prayer and in the Gemara / Talmud – Teshuva / Repentence, Tefila / Prayer [to Hash-m], & Tzedeka / charity [to a Torah sanctioned cause] – removes a bad decree. Fasting is one way to do Teshuva. In the section of the Humash that talks of Joseph’s dreams – he had prophetic dreams, The cup bearer & the baker had prophetic dreams. Pharaoh also had dreams. In Masechet Berakhot – it says that dreams are one sixtieth of prophecy.

Dreams of Nonsense

Some dreams are nonsensical. It could be the whole dream or part of the dream. In part of Joseph’s dream – there was an untruth. He dreamed that the son & the moon and 11 stars were bowing to him – representing that his father & mother and 11 brothers would bow to him. His mother already passed away – so it couldn’t be that the moon would bow to him.

Dreams of People of the Past

Some dream of people who already died. At times these people are given the right to transmit a message to a person. I have a friend that dreamed that he should hit the person who broke into his apartment on the head with a pan. Someone soon after broke into his home looking for drug money. He listened to the dream and abstained from hitting him – he scared him away.

Someone else I know had a dream of their mother. Their mother was plucking a chicken. Her mother was about to put the chicken in the oven – then at the last minuted she said “Throw the chicken away – it is spoiled” The Dreamer interpreted that – the girl her son was dating – was not a good match for her son. She consulted rabbis & did research and found that she was not a suitable match.

 

The Man with a Thousand Lives

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You learn a lot in the Beit Midrash / Torah house of Study. I overheard a conversation between a rabbi and a new student. He said – how does Torah compare to my life. I like to go skydiving – that’s exciting.

The rabbi answered him – “When you live for yourself you live one life. When you live Torah – you live a thousand lives. You learn about your study partner’s life, your student’s life, your friend’s. People come to you for advice for their concerns. You are not living only your life – but the lives of all those people.”

Real people. Real friends. Real concerns.

The boy tried to answer – I live for others when I skydive. The Rabbi made a joke – “What as a Kapparah / atonement for others?” The boy said “Has VeShalom / G-d forbid.” The rabbi also said the same – but he persisted with his question – “How do you live other’s lives when you skydive?”

The boy wasn’t able to answer.

I thought it was an interesting way of looking at things. I don’t really think I ever thought of it that way.

Sukkot & Enjoying the Great Outdoors

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You Shall Rejoice on your Festival – and thus you will be happy. Sukkot / the festival of “Booths” or Huts – was given to the Jews when we were in the Desert.

The Outdoor Festival

We live in huts – with earth grown roofs – for seven days. We leave our permanent residence and live in a temporary hut – reminding us of our temporary stay in the world.

The reason we live in Sukkot – Huts – is to remind us of how we lived in the desert after leaving Egypt – in huts.

The Protecting Clouds

Another reason is to remind us of the clouds of glory. Seven clouds accompanied us in the desert. One was a pillar of cloud that guided us. Another cloud – above us shielded us from the heat of the sun. Four other clouds – protected us from enemies. One cloud below removed snakes and scorpions and noxious creatures.

Putting Materialism Aside

Living in the succah helps us to put materialism aside and appreciate Hash-m’s world. We put our faith in Hash-m and leave the comfort of our more-permanent home. It also serves as an atonement – because when we leave our home – it is as if we are lving in exile. This atones for our sins.

Women’s Exemption

Living in the sukkah is a Positive Commandment from the Torah that is caused by time. Thus only men are obligated to live in the sukkah – for women – it is optional.

Serving G-d in All Ways

I thought of another reason – in Judaism – we go all out to serve our creator. At times we eat to serve Him – like on Shabbat – that we eat three meals of Shabbat. At times we fast – like on Yom Kippur – where we aspire to be like angels who don’t eat. We serve G-d inside the house – and outside the house (in the Sukkah). We serve Him – by resting – to get rest on Shabbat – and by staying awake – like on Hoshana Rabba & Shavuot – where we stay up all night to learn Torah.

Love of G-d

A person who loves his or her child is ready to do all for him. We – following Torah – show Hash-m we are ready to do all for Him.

The Order of Kapparot with Money before Yom Kippur

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Bs’d
*Kapparot with Money*
Anyone who wants to do kapparot with  – that is given to tzedaka – please call Matatia Chetrit at 718.962.4872.

*To do it yourself:*

*Kapparot Process*
Before yom kippur some use money to be an atonement for the person – giving them a greater chance to be written in the book of life.
If you want to do it yourself.  Take value of a chicken – about $10. Spin it around on top of person’s head. Say appropriate text 3 times.

If you do it for you yourself circle your head with money – and say paragraph 1. For a Male say paragraph 2. For a female say paragraph 3. For 2 or more people say paragraph 4.

The person who it is being done for should think of the letters – ח ת כ. And do teshuva- repentance at same time. Give money to a poor Jewish family. Or to a Torah cause.
If you want to give to MJO shaar Hashamayim synagogue we have a PayPal account of jenet@iname.com
Gmar hatima tova.
Mjony.org

*סֵדֶר הַכַּפָּרוֹת*
*The order of the Kapparot / Atonements*

He will take the money in his hand ($10) and turn it over his head, and say the wording, then he will take another money and turn it over to his wife and he will do it for his children.

The one who turns over himself will say 3 times in Hebrew Below – (optional – repeat the Translation in English below):

1. These are the monies in exchange for me, in stead of me, in atonement for me. These monies will be given to charity, and I will enter into a life of good and peace.

The one doing the kapparot will turn money over a person’s (or people’s) head(s) and say 3 times:

2. 3. 4. These are the monies in exchange for you, in stead of you, in atonement for you. These monies will be given to charity, and you will enter into a life of good and peace.

Once he has made the order of the atonement for him and his whole family it is possible to give a donation to mjo or a torah cause and after the payment he will be able to use the money for himself.

יִקַּח בְּיָדוֹ אֶת הַכֶּסֶף (10$) וִיסוֹבֵב מֵעַל רֹאשׁוֹ, וְיֹאמַר אֶת הַנֻּסָּח, אַחַ”כּ יִקַּח כֶּסֶף אַחֵר וִיסוֹבֵב לְאִשְׁתּוֹ וְכֵן יַעֲשֶׂה לִילָדָיו.

1. הַמְּסֻבָּב לְעַצְמוֹ יֹאמַר 3 פְּעָמִים:
*1. (for himself)*
*אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת חֲלִיפָתִי, תְּמוּרָתִי, כָּפָּרְתִּי. אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת יִנָּתְנוּ לִצְדָקָה, וְאֶכָּנֵס אֲנִי לְחַיִּים טוֹבִים וּלְשָׁלוֹם.*

*ellu hamma’ot ḥalífatí, temuratí, kappartí. ellu hamma’ot yinnatenu litṣdakah, veekkanes aní leḥayyím tovím uleshalom.*

2. הַמְּסֻבָּב לְזָכָר יֹאמַר 3 פְּעָמִים:
*2. (for a male)*

*אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת חֲלִיפָתְךָ, תְּמוּרָתְךָ, כַּפָּרָתְךָ. אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת יִנָּתְנוּ לִצְדָקָה, וְתִכָּנֵס אַתָּה לְחַיִּים טוֹבִים וּלְשָׁלוֹם.*

*ellu hamma’ot ḥalífatecha, temuratecha, kapparatecha. ellu hamma’ot yinnatenu litṣdakah, vetikkanes attah leḥayyím tovím uleshalom.*

3. הַמְּסֻבָּב לַנְּקֵבָה יֹאמַר 3 פְּעָמִים:
*3. (for a female)*
*אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת חֲלִיפָתֵךְ, תְּמוּרָתֵךְ, כַּפָּרָתֵךְ. אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת יִנָּתְנוּ לִצְדָקָה, וְתִכָּנְסִי אַתְּ לְחַיִּים טוֹבִים וּלְשָׁלוֹם.*

*ellu hamma’ot ḥalífatech, temuratech, kapparatech. ellu hamma’ot yinnatenu litṣdakah, vetikkanesí at leḥayyím tovím uleshalom.*

*4. (for a group)*
*אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת חֲלִיפַתְכֶם, תְּמוּרַתְכֶם, כַּפָּרַתְכֶם. אֵלּוּ הַמָּעוֹת יִנָּתְנוּ לִצְדָקָה, וְתִכָּנְסוּ אַתֶּם לְחַיִּים טוֹבִים וּלְשָׁלוֹם.*

*ellu hamma’ot ḥalífatchem, temuratchem, kapparatchem. ellu hamma’ot yinnatenu litṣdakah, vetikkanesu attem leḥayyím tovím uleshalom.*

לְאַחַר שֶׁעָשָׂה אֶת סֵדֶר הַכַּפָּרוֹת לוֹ וּלְכֹל מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ נִתַּן לְשַׁלֵּם כָּאן בַּאֲתַר אוֹן-לַיְן וּלְאַחַר הַתַּשְׁלוּם יוּכַל לְהִשְׁתַּמֵּשׁ בְּכֶסֶף לְעַצְמוֹ.

The Transitory Marriage – Judaism Trains for Marriage, Society Trains for Divorce – 16 Lessons for Peaceful Marriage

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Marriage is a challenge. Two people from totally different backgrounds, mentalities, ideals share a house together. How can it work?

Responsibility

Torah sanctions responsibilities of each partner. It is upon each partner to make the marriage work.

Similarity

Torah sanctions that people from same religion marry – Jews marry Jews. Thus people start off with similar mentalities. They have similar material and spiritual goals in life. Their family is guided by Torah.

Marrying for the right reasons – good character traits

In Torah we try to choose a mate with good middot – good character traits. This helps us to get someone with a personable personality. A  person with a kind heart, a giving person, someone with Torah values. This prevents much marital stress. Choosing a mate from a good family also can help the long term of the marriage.

Youthful Marriage

Torah says that a person should marry young – thus people are more flexible and less set in their ways. The Torah tells men of the the Mitzvah / commandment to get married.

Procreation & Children

Torah says people are to “be fruitful & multiply.” – thus people share a common goal of bringing up children in the path of the Torah. (Talmud: Yevamot 63b).

Torah as a Guide

As the Torah is a guide of the couples – the couple looks to fulfill it’s halachot / laws – thus reducing further stress. If there is a disagreement – they go ask a competant Orthodox rabbi.

Mutual Respect

The Torah tells us of the responsibility of the man to honor his wife. It tells how to act properly with all people.

Trust & Faithfulness

The Torah will tell it like it is. It sanctions the importance of trust, faithfulness, and respect of each mate.

Yielding to the Other

Torah instructs the individual of Yielding to the other party. Some things we hold firmly upon – like observing Torah laws – yet even that must be done in a tactful way.

Peace at Home / Shalom Bayit

Torah teaches lessons of importance of and how to have peace at home.

Tolerance

Torah sanctions respect for each individual – regardless of what they did. It sanctions for a person to refrain from speaking badly of others (Laws of Lashon Hara) even if that person actually did the bad deed.

Building a Family

The Torah gives individuals the Tools to build a beautiful family. The family is built through participating in Shabbat & festival meals together. In praying together. In learning Torah together. In sharing opinions and open-minded discussions together. In singing together. In vacationing together. A person’s life is intermingled with that of their family in positive interactions together.

Building Relationships

I overheard Rabbi Benjamin Yochanan speaking with a young man at a Group Shiur / Learning session. The Rabbi talked of the beauty of a Torah lifestyle. The young man replied “You have to enjoy life. I want to enjoy life.” The rabbi asked “What do you like to do?” He said “I Like skydiving.” The rabbi said – “When you do skydiving – you are living only for yourself. When you practice Torah you live thousand’s of lives.” “How so?” he asked. “When you live a Torah life – you live the lives of others. You hear people’s chalenges. You rejoice in their joys. You help people with their problems. You support others emotionally. You are participating in all their lives.”

Building a Spiritual Fulfilling Existence

Marriage helps a person achieve their potential. A man is not complete without a wife. She helps him to become the best he can be. Together they build a beautiful home in this world and the next world. They live a spiritually fulfilling existence together through the Torah.

Prayer to Hash-m

Hash-m / G-d helps a person to have peace at home. We pray for all that we need spiritually and physically.

Answering to a Higher Authority – Pleasing G-d and Man

In Torah we answer to a higher authority – Hash-m. This fact helps us to have boundaries that limit our negative reaction and encourage positivism. Thus a person who is angry – remembers that their spouse may just be an agent of G-d responding to their past imperfection in action. Thus reactions are tempered.

Ideals of Society

Now let’s take the ideals of society.

Rights vs Responsibility

Society – talks of Rights – woman’s rights, minority rights, animal rights and so on. So people live with certain expectations – “I have my right to demand what I want – it is may right.”

Now each person is demanding that their rights be met. Not a good mentality for a marriage.

Marry Whoever You Meet

Nowadays – many marry without thought of compatibility in Torah values, personality, religion, mentalities. The closer one is in mentality to the mate – the less stress. Intermarriage – not sanctioned by Torah – causes great stress between mates. One wants to observe this holiday – the other another. This one believes in one G-d this one believes in idolatry. Each thing causing stress.

Hutzpa Yazge – Arrogance

The Torah says in time before Mashiach / Messiah – Arrogance will increase. It is very apparent – in the News media – of how people who trash others are more respected. They will stop at nothing to break another individual – if he or she has done good or bad. The US court – went against a Texas state court – that made a law to protect fetus rights. People regularly destroy each friends and family members in cafes and restaurants.

Single Life vs. Married Life

Society condones personal, fleeting pleasure.If it gives a person pleasure – society says it is good. They sanction living the “Life of Riley.” Big cars – beautiful houses – the pursuit of pleasure.Distracting them from getting married.

Pleasure without purpose vs Pleasure for Purpose

More people are saying single than ever before. Why? Because they are following pleasure without purpose. The Torah tells people to enjoy life – but the pleasures should have purpose. Pleasures for Purpose – build. Pleasures without purpose – destroy, waste time or at the least accomplish nothing for the betterment of the world.

The Torah sanctions pleasures for purpose.

Family Life is Put as Secondary Ideal

People want independence. Having a family introduces responsibility. Some people refrain from birthing children – because they want to enjoy life.

Homosexuality vs. Being Straight

Society accepts and condones homosexuality. The Torah says homosexuality is forbidden. Although the Torah says to respect all people – it forbids same gender marriage and homosexuality. Homosexuality leads to great reduction in population growth, goes against the commandment to procreate and causes a person to live a life devoid of children. A person who chooses their life as such – will end up alone at the end of their life. They will not have a legacy to continue their genes – for they will have chosen this lifestyle.

A person who chooses marriage to the opposite gender – brings life into the world. This helps them to keep the marriage going because they are involved in a great Mitzvah to build the world together.

Ideals of society as a Guide – You are What You Read

A rabbi I was learning with said – if a person reads newspapers – their mentality will be based upon that newspaper. Newspapers and media usually project ideals contrary to faithfulness and morality. Immorality sells newspapers. In marketing they use the term “appealing to the lowest common denominator” – meaning to values and feelings of even the most immoral portions of society. I don’t think that that is a preferable way to bring up a family or lead a married life.

Promiscuity vs. Faithfulness

The more you see a certain thing – the more you find it to be acceptable behavior. Promiscuity is sanctioned by society, movies, media. Yet it is a total marriage breaker.

I could go on on both lists of How Torah strengthens marriage and society has the opposite effect – but enough said.

Materialism vs. Spirituality

Materialism is a very important aspect of society’s values. Keep up with the Joness it says. Thus Having the latest gadgets puts stree on the marriage when one of the spouse doesn’t deliver materially. Material issues, I believe I read once is one of the Top reasons for marital discord.

Glamor vs. Reality

The world lives on glamor, entertainment, games and sports. If used sparingly – it is ok. But if a person bases their life on these ideals – it could cost them their marriage.

For instance a person may want to marry a glamorous woman or a rich man. Ok – he is rich or she is glamorous – but will she be so spoiled to beat the husband when angry? Or will the rich person be stingy? Will she teach Torah values to children or go shopping on Shabbat or sit and have a Shabbat party together with the kids. Will he watch sports all day or have a conduct a beautiful Shabbat meal with songs and words of Torah?

Will the mate be stuck to their telephone or be concerned about maintaining a healthy, fruitful relationship with others?

The Me Generation

It’s all about me.

Your Mentality Choice

You choose your lifestyle. I chose many years ago. It took effort, fortitude and persistence. It was a gradual, long-term process. In the end I am so happy for my choice.

How to Improve Your Marriage

A good starting point to following Torah as a guide is by reading Torah books on the subjects of your interest. When I was starting out I liked to read stories and aggadah. Going to Shiurim / Lectures of Orthodox rabbis or listening to them online is also a good starting or continuing point.

Listening to Torah Lectures

See our links section for more info. TorahAnytime.com is a great source to find out the Torah view or learn Torah lessons on any subject of interest – for instance marriage. I searched it – and they have over 640 lectures on the topic of marriage from a Torah perspective. Find the rabbi that speaks to you. If one does – listen to their lectures. If one does not try another rabbi on the same subject.