A job is a medium to achieve financial or spiritual aspirations in life. At the workplace one can thrive, find comfort and motivation, achievement and satisfaction.

The social aspect of work is also a means for satisfaction. Co-workers intermingle and create friendships. These friendships can be positive – like when one makes a good friend – or negative – when the relationship made may lead to improper familiarity – like between people of opposite genders.

Society’s Concern

Society has realized the need for professional conduct at the workplace – to avoid improper relationships – due to the increase in and high costs of harassment cases. Companies now examine emails and correspondence between co-workers to avoid harassment suits.

Workplace Conduct in Judaism

The Torah has preceded society’s concern by thousands of years through its awareness of the psychology of men and women and it’s laws on healthy relationships.

The obvious reasons for concern include avoiding the breakup of a healthy marriage and family due to a wavering spouse,

The Torah’s laws set boundaries on relations between a man and a woman forbidden to each other.

Boundaries for Propriety
Here are categories of some laws that set boundaries:

Kraiva – Familiarity.

Yichud – Seclusion.

Tzniut – Modesty in Dress.

The Torah’s Laws are highly detailed in each. Let us just examine some simple ones.

Familiarity

Familiarity leads to intimacy. Intimacy leads to dating. Dating leads to marriage. Thus the Torah provides laws for the conduct of people to prevent improper familiarity. Basically a person speaks and acts in a way that prevents him or her from developing an emotional attachment to a person who is prohibited to them. It regulates people’s speech and actions like:

– Instead of a boss calling a secretary by her first name – he addresses her by her last name – Mrs. Cohen instead of Sarah.

– One refrains from asking personal questions like – what did you do this weekend? Are you happily married?

– People of opposite genders refrain from using the word “we” when working together like – “we should talk to the editor about this article” or “We should order new software.”

– Co-workers of opposite genders refrain from taking rides in the same car together.

– One does not shake hands with a person of the other gender. This is called Negiah – Touching – which each gender refrains from touching the opposite gender, unless it is their spouse, or certain close family members.

Seclusion
Seclusion leads to temptation. So seclusion is avoided with a person of the opposite gender in a closed room.

When privacy is needed between people of opposite genders, a door is left open. An open cubicle is preferable than a closed office. An office with a window visible to the co-workers also helps alleviate seclusion concerns.

Modesty in Dress
The Torah provides guidelines in dress for Jewish women to not attract attention. These laws also help to curtail temptation.

Proper clothing for Jewish women include dress that amply covers the knees, wearing stockings that cover the ankle and leg, wearing blouses that cover the neckline and elbows. A married woman covers her hair with a scarf.

A Book on Workplace Guidelines
An excellent Sefer (Jewish Book) on the subject is “9 to 5 : A Guide to Modest Conduct at the Workplace” By Rabbi Shmuel Neiman. It explains in much detail what is proper conduct at the workplace and what is not. It also can be applied to any extramarital friendship as well. After I showed it to someone I know, he contacted the publisher to buy copies to distribute them freely.

Sad Reality – Pain of Unfaithfulness
Unfortunately, he told me a story of two couples he knew who were friendly with one another. They went out to restaurants, to the others’ houses. It ended up that the wife of one couple was unfaithful with the husband of the other couple. What ensued? When their spouses found out all experienced tremendous pain and grief. The couples divorced, breaking two, once healthy marriages. Why? Familiarity breeds intimacy. The Torah, thankfully, draws the line for us to explain the guidelines of familiarity.

Man’s Best Friend
Extramarital friendships, when uncontrolled, can undermine the pinning of a solid marriage. One’s best friend according to Torah is supposed to be one’s spouse. They are the one we confide in Provide and receive empathy, advice and emotional support. When one partner seeks it elsewhere – that is where the trouble begins. Thus the Torah provides very clear guidelines to explain what is a healthy relationship and what is not.

Making Marriage Thrive

The Torah delineates relationships so that those that are permitted – like a husband and wife – can thrive in their relationship. Some examples include the laws of family purity – in which married men and women separate for a period of time – which helps to assure the newness of their marriage. Laws of Modesty – for a woman that – allows a woman to be appreciated for her inner beauty.

A True Story

Once there was a woman in France who wanted to adhere more carefully to the Jewish laws of modesty. She didn’t tell her husband that she was going to start covering her hair with a scarf. She started covering her hair right before Shabbat started. Surprised at her new look, he didn’t say anything.

During the Shabbat, however, he made it a point to avoid her presence. She would walk into one room, he would walk out. She would go into the dining room, he would go to the kitchen. This occurred the entire Shabbat. When she finally confronted him after Shabbat, she asked “My Beloved, why were you avoiding me the entire Shabbat?” Sheepishly, he answered “We have been married for many years. For all this time, I did not feel you were really mine until today. I felt so emotionally about it I could not face you. I could not come to terms that for all these years I relinquished this feeling of closeness.”

The laws of the Torah are for the good of man. Reflecting upon and observing them one eventually realizes this first hand.

A Boy is in dire need of a particular medical treatment. It can be provided if enough people sign a petition to the US Governemnt.

More information can be found and the Petition can be signed here:

“authorize the FDA to grant a compassionate use exemption to Refael Elisha Cohen for Antineoplaston therapy.”

Receive the Mitzvah of Pikuach Nefesh – Saving a Soul.

Please also Remember to also pray, learn Torah and/or recite Tehillim for the complete healing – refuah shelema – of Refael Elisha Meir Cohen ben Devorah as well.

On Hanukah we celebrate miracles.

After our holy Temple – the Beit Hamikdash – was ransacked by the Greeks, the Jews who recaptured it found a jug of pure oil to kindle the Menorah. It was supposed to last one day. It lasted miraculously 8 days – enough time to travel to get new oil.

The Beit Yosef – Rabbi Yosef Caro – Codifier of the Jewish Work of Law – the Shulchan Aruch poses a question:

The Beit Yosef provides 70 answers to the question.

Some include –

The first day we celebrate the miracle of the Jews victory over the Greek empire.
The first day we celebrate the fact that we found a Jug of oil intact with the Cohen Gadol’s (Chief Cohen) seal.
We celebrate that every day only one-eighth of the oil burned.
We celebrate that every day the cups on the branches of the menorah refilled miraculously with oil.

Another answer he gives is:

The first day we celebrate nature. Nature itself is a miracle.

Rejuvenation

Observing the physical world we observe many miracles daily – the miracle of a tree, the miracle of a baby, the miracle of life.

Our problem is that we view the daily beauty of life as mundane or take it for granted. It is only nature.

The Torah says all is a miracle.

G-d recreates the world continuously.

When viewed as such every creation is becomes special and every moment important.

Every new moment is a new gift – a new miracle. A wonder to appreciate.

Grabbing the moment and turning it into eternity through doing a kindness is the way to grab eternity.

Learning Torah gives us the ability to encapsulate time and leave a legacy for the world.

Every moment is special – using it for a Mitzvah – helps us renew life continuously.

Just remember – life itself is a miracle.

Once we were discussing the properties of water at the Shabbat table.

As water is heated – it expands. When it cools – it contracts (becomes smaller) – becoming more dense.

If that was so, I was left with the question – why does water in a bottle break the container when placed in the freezer?

Kindness is in the Water

My friend explained to me an interesting characteristic of water. When you boil it – it expands, but when you cool it it contracts. But there’s a certain point in which water, when cooled begins to to expand. This causes ice to be less dense than water and thus ice floats. (Things that are denser than water sink – things that are less dense than water float.)

This is an important principle for the survival of the world. If water would become more dense as ice then the bottom of the lakes, rivers and oceans would freeze before the top. This would cause plants, coral and living things like fish on the bottom of the ocean to die. This would upset that ecosystem of the world.

There is a verse to help us understand the nature of the world – “The world is built with kindness.” Ice is one example.

Greek Philosophy vs. Torah

Some – like the Greek philosophers of old – would see this as pure coincidence. The Jewish view from Torah is – it is no doubt that this physical property of water is a kindness that Hash-m (G-d) has ingrained into nature.

The Menorah – Torah is Center of Knowledge

The menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem had seven stems. The center stem and three stems on each side. The Netziv in his sefer Emek HaDavar explains that each of the flames of the menorah represents an aspect of knowledge: psychology, philosophy, mathematics, language, science. The flame in the center represents the Torah. Each flame points towards the center flame.

Apparently one of the lessons is that if knowledge is used in congruence with Torah, an accurate picture of the world is produced. If not all sorts of falsity creep in.

Lesson of Hanukah

This is the lesson of Hanukkah.

The Greeks wanted us to believe that what you see is what you get. They said there is nothing beyond the physical or aesthetic beauty of the world.

Purpose of the Physical

The Torah teaches us that the physical is here for us to reach higher spiritual levels. We eat and enjoy ourselves on Shabbat to become closer to Hash-m.

The physical is not an end in itself. The physical is here to help us establish a greater connection with our Creator.

The light of the Torah, represented by the Menorah, illuminates our vision of the world.

An Added Dimension in Life – Spirituality through Torah

Looking beyond the mere physical not only applies to understanding nature but also regarding the our relations with others. When a person sees relationship just for the physical – “this person makes me feel good” – it is reducing a relationship to just physicality. But when one takes into consideration when deciding on a mate, the spiritual aspects – like how they will help you become a greater person, become closer to Hash-m, how you will be able to reach higher spiritual heights in Torah through a relationship – this is when a person can really reach their potential.

The Jewish outlook is to look beyond materialism when choosing a life mate. We look also at their potential for helping us to reach higher spiritual heights together as a couple and as a family through Torah.

Happy Hanukah!

A Kind Father
Imagine your father. You ask him for what you need – he will surely give it to you if he has the means.

G-d always has the means. He is your Father in Heaven.

In life, one encounters :

Times of smooth sailing – where everything goes your way.

Times where you steam ahead – advancing, spiritually and materially.

Times of rocky waters or where the tide pushes you backwards.

All are good.

Why?

As Hash-m is the essence of all good, only good emanates from Him. All good in the world emanates from Him.

Why Bad things Happen to Good People

But how could it be, that it is always good?

Joseph lost his job. Jonathan lost money in the Stock Market. Solomon lost a shidduch / match.

G-d not only determines what you should receive but when. After viewing the past, present and future, He determines whether receiving it is good for you at this point in time. A greater perspective than ours, of just several years.

If making money will distance you from Him – perhaps now is not the time for that raise. Perhaps that match was not the right one for you. Maybe losing in the NASDAQ gave you motivation to reflect on the proper perspective in life. Perhaps the loss of the Job will encourage one to pray with more fervor, take upon new Mitzvahs and find a better Job and a happier medium.

Proper Prayer

As G-d has the perfect perspective, it follows that some prayers allow for His input. Prayer is such, that if you pray enough for something, you will receive it – even though it is not in your best interest. Rather than pray:

“Oh G-d please help me to marry David Cohen.”

Perhaps he is not a suitable match for you.

A more intelligent way to pray is:

“Oh G-d please help me to marry the best person suited for me. May he have good qualities, like generosity, kindness, being affable, having a good heart and good Torah values that we will be able live with closeness to you and to raise children in the way that you would be proud of.”

Steering the Ship and the Situation

When we encounter a challenge – it is not time to shut down.

Our job is to steer the ship.

G-d wants us to steer the ship in the way that will bring out the best in us and the best for the world – thus we have challenges, deceptions and triumphs.

Our means to steer include prayer, faith in G-d’s goodness, belief in his ability and willingness to give it to us and a solid effort – materially and to advance spiritually.

Does Every Cloud Have a Silver Lining?

Once a person was riding a motorcycle around a winding mountain road. Suddenly a truck came in the opposite direction. He veared off the road, off a high cliff. Letting his motorcycle tumble down and crash, he was able to grab a branch and remain there until help arrived. Proud about his personal miracle the rider boasted to the Rabbi – Rabbi Noach Weinberg – of Aish HaTorah in the Old City. Rav Noach replied “Who do you think put the truck in your path?”

Some live day to day with cute Aphorisms (look it up 🙂 – I had to too) like:

“Every Cloud has a Silver Lining”

According to Torah it is not that there is a challenging situation and then there is a bit of good that comes out of it. The Torah’s perspective is that cloud was made for the silver lining.

The person who reflects upon past challenges will see that it is true.

The reflective person will take the challenge and milk it for all the lessons and guidance that it provides to become a better person according to Torah. Like when you get a flat tire. Or for example – that cliff hanger – that went to see the Rabbi for meaning when he was saved from danger.

Use the lessons and your ability to overcome past challenges to give you strength for the current ones.

The challenge is not to see whether a situation will turn out for the good – for it will surely come out good – the challenge is have enough patience and faith to see the good come to fruition.

The Proper Path

Sometimes we are in doubt what is the right path to choose.

Keep in mind with Mitzvot you never lose.

As Hash-m is overflowing with kindness – His work – the Torah – also overflows with kindness. He wrote it such that the best path to choose in all situations will be the Mitzvot.

All the Mitzvot that G-d gives us are for our Good – and that we more closely adhere to them is the purpose of the challenge.

A businessman was having trouble selling a building in Mexico City. The week he decided to start observing the Sabbath – someone wanted to purchase the building. Approaching the time of Shabbat on Friday afternoon, the businessman stopped his negotiations to be able to properly prepare for Shabbat. “We’ll continue negotiations next week.” he said. The next week – the man did not return to the negotiating table. That week there was a earthquake in Mexico City. Many buildings were demolished. His remained. Demand and the price of his building increased substantially. His decision to observe the Shabbat helped him financially and spiritually.

Encountering challenges, some just write them off as coincidence or ignore them – emerging no better or worse from the lesson. A Lost opportunity.

Some want to reinvent the wheel.

Some want to ride the waves.

What can we learn?

Have a positive perspective – Feel good about yourself and the future. Believe in yourself. Put in your prayers and effort. Have faith in the one who said “Let There be Light” and you will see soon see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The past has passed; the future is not yet; the present is a fleeting moment. So why worry?
– Avraham Ibn Ezra, 11th Century Torah Scholar, Jewish Philosopher and Poet

“The goodness of Hash-m is such that ingrained in the nature of the world is : doing kindness brings good to the world and eventually it comes back to you.”

In Europe, before World War II, a young Torah scholar – I believe it was the Steipler Gaon, Rabbi Yaakov Kanievsky – saw a sefer (Torah Book) that he was interested in purchasing. He wrote to the author to ask if he could purchase it at a discounted price. The author graciously sent him a free copy.

After the war, when many Jews immigrated to Israel, they wanted to reprint the sefer. They could not find a copy from which to reprint. The Steipler Gaon let the publishers know that he had an original copy. They reprinted the sefer from the book that was given as a gift to the Steipler by the author.

King Solomon, the wisest of all men said it (in Kohelet 11:1) “Send your bread upon the waters and in many days you will find it”

I have a cousin. A successful business man now. His name is Alain.

Once when he was young lad, like most of us, he did something not to his father’s liking. His father was ready to punish him. He said to his father – “There is no need to punish me, I already learned my lesson.” His father smiled and and let him alone.

Parents punish for many reasons. Some to vent their frustration. Others to teach a life lesson to the child. Some both.

G-d sends messages to us to correct us to become a better person. Sometime it comes in the form of making a windfall – so that we can give charity to those in need. Or by giving a child to a person – so that they send their child to a Torah school – and can forge a healthy relationship together through the guidance of the Torah. Or by sending a rebuke – so that one can reflect on the past to correct an incorrect behavior on their part. The goal is to teach a person to better themselves.

Whether it seems to be kindness or rebuke – it is all for the good of the person. Thus G-d does only good – even if it does not seem so at times.

Like when you get a flat tire.

The other night, driving in the fast lane, thinking about other things than the road, I sped over a large indentation. I heard the hard slamming of the tire into the pavement. The car started vearing to the left. I recognized that the tire was out. I slowly continued until I reached a place of safety to fix the flat. By the time I got there, the tire was torn to disrepair.

Was it just a coincidence or was it divinely guided? If it is coincidence, then the incident has no significance whatsoever. I can’t learn anything to improve myself from it – only next time I should be more careful to avoid potholes.

But if it was divinely guided, then the incident has significance to me personally to help me improve myself. From it, I can learn something that applies to me. From it, I know that there is “Someone” watching me from above who cares about my actions. It makes for a life of more purpose.

Judaism says that no incident occurs without divine intervention.

So the question I asked: I am basically a nice guy. Why did this flat have to happen to me?

I reflected on what happened during the day. Then I found the possible source.

Earlier that night, I was eager to get home from teaching. A friend asked me to drop him off not far from where I teach. “No Problem” I said. In the car he said “So you will wait for me to drop me off near my house?” My imagination took over – I thought – he will take like a half-an-hour to go shopping. “I am sorry I have to get home.” I answer coldly and sped off into the night.

It ends up that he took only about 5 minutes. He took the bus home. I could have had more patience. I didn’t. So, it is possible, that G-d wanted to teach me, to have more patience and concern for my fellow by giving me a flat tire. I came home much later than I would have had I waited the 5 minutes for my friend. I had to pay to replace the tire and I lost a Mitzvah of doing Kindness. All for a slight lack of patience.

After reflecting upon the incident, I felt badly I didn’t wait. I guess it was a good lesson. I hope the next time, I will be more patient and less callous – to think more of the needs and feelings of others.

We all have times where we miss the mark. If we regret the incident and repair the related lacking in our character traits – we don’t need to get a flat.

In any case it is prudent to have a spare tire. 🙂

I was at Shahrit / the morning prayer service today at the Beit Midrash / House of Study in my neighborhood. After after the Tefillah / prayer service the men learn Torah in a group. They were discussing the family of Yitzhak / Isaak and Yaakov / Jacob – The patriarchs. It was a calm but emotional discussion.

I realized that the Jews are part of one large family that begins with the Patriarchs – Abraham, Isaak and Jacob. Every Jew belongs to that family. Even the very distant. Converts have a Jewish soul and are considered the children of Abraham and Sarah.

Another reason to have peace among us.

Another reason to feel you belong.

G-d loves simple people. There is a certain comfort and purity of living a life of simplicity.

No one to impress with fancy cars or luxuries. One’s bank account has an average balance with 3 digits instead of 8. You have to save money to purchase certain high price goods – like those over $100. Money has value and people have value.

The values of people outweighs their net worth. It is not what you have but who you are that matters.

Enter the world of illusion – TV, the Big Screen, Super Heros and Sports Heros.

I recently overheard a conversation of some young kids.

It went something like :

“Do You have a Role Model?”

“Yes”

“My Role Model is Rocky Balboa. He is a boxer.”

“What?! Your aspirations are to hit people?”

“No. It is the guy who plays the boxer…. He acts so smooth and suave.”

“Maybe it is just an act? How do you know that he doesn’t get very angry and shout at people?”

“No. I saw him on many interviews….”

A Role model is someone you wish to emulate. Someone you wish your life would be like theirs.

The illusion of the world of glamour makes us imagine the good but disregard the bad.

So we buy the magazines, the styles, and follow the fads as if they were written the guidebook for life.

But let’s take a step back for a moment.

We also have good in our lives. Happy moments. Positive relations with family members and dear friends. Moments of enjoyment and triumph.

Then our imagination takes over. Like a Film Editor, it takes the jumbled scenes and splices the good of our life with the glamour of the star’s life – giving us a false impression that stardom is what I aspire to, that being a sports star is all glory no pain.

One may think: “The boss understands me so well. Why doesn’t my husband?” “That girl is so down to earth – she makes me feel good. What’s the difference if I marry out of my faith?” “That secretary is so well in control – not like my wife.” “That man in the novel is so romantic, I’ll wait to get married until I find someone similar.”

So the imagination takes you away from reality to make a beautiful ending. But the true ending is hidden. Hidden from you so that you just follow the waves of emotion – until the harsh reality wakes you up. Divorce after 20 years of marriage. Kids confused, lonely, sad spending one weekend with a different parent or grandparent. Staying single till old age.

There is the illusion.

Everyone has ups and downs. Each one has good points in their life to appreciate. But the imagination does not want you to see the downs of wealth. “Just look at the Glamour. Don’t look at the hard work and deceptions encountered to reach the top.” The time to study and practice hours upon hours hitting the tennis ball or baseball. The negative repercussions of following only after the heart.

The question we should ask ourselves is – is giving up the good that we already have in our lives worth it to receive the honor, recognition and wealth of others?

Most times a person will think and say “not really.”

You already have a head start in being happy. When we see the good in our lives by appreciating that which we have already – and work on improving life and appreciating others – it makes for a life of satisfaction.

A simple life with authenticity is greater than one of glamour and illusion.

A simple message from the Torah.

I have an old Dell laptop. Fast for it’s day. But it’s day was about 5 years ago. Today the fast microchips are about 12 times faster than that in my laptop. It has scratches. It crashed – so I replaced it with a Linux Operating System called Fedora.

It is a bit beat up, but I still enjoy using it.

My car is the same – a bit beat up – but I still enjoy it.

Many a time one enjoys an object until the next model comes out. Then the novelty wears off.

So, people play the “keep up with the Jones” game. He has 2014 model, I must get the 2015 updated version. They continue until the end.

Even worse they do the same with their spouse – “time to get a newer model.”

So what? Just stay with that old phone till it breaks?

No. The Torah wants a person to enjoy their belongings and their lives. It doesn’t want a person to play the keep up with the Jones game. That is living for and giving control of your life in the hands of others.

The Torah says “Jealousy, Honor [seeking] and Desire – take a person out of the World” (Pirkei Avot) One possible explanation is because you make your happiness dependent upon others. You should be in control of your own happiness. The Torah says- you control if you are happy or not.

So how can one prolong enjoyment of their old jalopy or old laptop?

Use it for spirituality. Type Torah Texts. Send Get Well Soon Emails. Use Your creative Talents for Judaism. Renew yourself and Renew your tools.

But the same applies to renewing relationships. After a person is married, the humdrum of everyday life seeps in. Sometimes husband and wives and families live lives in their own cocoon – not sharing experiences or joy together. Each one in their own room with their own computer screen or TV. Who are those people who pass me in the hall? Oh yeah it is my family!

When one experiences spirituality – in combination with other activities – with family a greater bond is formed. When one spends time at the Shabbat table with the family – we bond. We share experiences, life, Torah, questions, songs, ideas, and of course delicious food.

Learning together with a son or a daughter allows you to hear what they have to say – what their opinions and views are – and helps them to blossom into greater individuals. Many books are available in English or practically any language you want – on Torah topics.

Apparently this is one reason why – Avot UBanim – is such a popular Program. Avot Ubanim is when father’s learn Torah together with their sons. The sons receive door prizes, refreshments and a chance to win in a raffle. Father’s and sons bond. It is more appealing that a watching football game because – in the game both father and sons are spectators. In Father and son learning there is a healthy interaction – and sharing of ideas – between father and son through the medium of learning Torah.

Or when a mother makes cookies or fresh Challah – bread – before Shabbat for the Shabbat Queen. It is a time to bond. Preparing for Shabbat is one opportunity to forge relationships.

Sharing spirituality is one way to renew relationships. The Torah outlook is that one should spend quality time daily with each member of the family.

This is what life is made of.