Category Archives: Self-Help

The Key to Living – Be Thyself

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5211d9b944b43a871b804169d610a13fParashat:* חיי שרה / H’ayey Sarah / the Life of Sarah*

*And Sarah Lived 100 years and 20 years and Seven Years. These are the years of the life of Sarah.”*

*Q: Why does Torah say “These are the years of the life of Sarah”, it seems redundant?*

*A: Some people follow fad, fashion, popularity, keeping up with Jones, what will the neighbor think. Sarah Lived her own life. She was true to herself. Thus she really lived. When one follows their essence – their soul – they truly live.*
Based on Arizal

*Shabbat Shalom* ????

People ask me about Israel. I say in Israel I feel like I’m living. Outside I feel like I’m existing.

That’s the question for all of us.

Am I living or am I existing.

G-d says : I give you life, Choose life.

Torah is not a religion. It is life itself.

Torah is not about doing rituals. it is about being best you can be. it’s about getting closer to the source of life, Hashem. the closer one is to Hashem , the closer one is to life.

The media turns people into puppets.

Making you believe what they want you to believe, what’s their agenda . they condition a person to be small.

Ask yourself about each action – Is it bettering myself or world? Am I helping others?

שני חיי שרה
These are the years of Sarah
Why? Zohar says these were her real years. These were her own years. She lived a real life.

Because she did not attach herself to the Yetzer Harah / the evil inclination, she attached herself to life. Thus it says ועל דא דילה הוו חיין , היא נדבקה בחיים ולכן שלה היו החיים

Some people live lives of others . One person wanted to be a doctor but he is only a paramedic. One person wanted to be a rabbi, but he is a businessman. His parents needed him to tend the store, so instead of following his dreams and aspirations, he gave in to parental pressure.

One person wanted to marry a girl, but didn’t because of his parents. One man wanted to be a successful business man but laziness stopped him.

One person wanted to become a great Torah scholar but didn’t because he gave in to his lack of self confidence.

One person wanted to be a fruit vendor but because of society pressure he became a lawyer. One person wanted to become a Tzadik / Righteous Person, but he didn’t because of his concern of what his friends would think.

One person wanted to become a great scientist, but didn’t because he was to addicted to technology. One person wanted to become a Shomer Shabbat / Sabbath Observant Jew, but did not because he was too addicted to women.

One person wanted to make his family all go to A Torah school, but he didn’t because his wife discouraged him. One women wanted to be completely Tzanuah / Modest in Dress & Comportment, but she couldn’t bring herself to go against the peer pressure.

One woman wanted to marry a Torah scholar, but didn’t because of her friends. One woman wanted to marry a good man, but didn’t because she gave into a friend’s advice who had a grudge against her friend’s prospective husband. One woman divorced her husband who was a Cohen, because she listened to her friends who were jealous of her. Since he was a Cohen, she could never remarry him.

The Torah gives us a way to break out of this costume of a life we are living and start living our dreams. Making ourselves into who we can be.

Torah is called Haim / life.

There is a Story of rabbi Ovadia Yosef. He wanted to Learn Torah. His parents wanted him to tend to the store. His Rabbi came to the store, took the storekeepers apron and said to his father – I’ll tend to the store, let your son go & learn Torah. The father wouldn’t here that the Rabbi would work in the store. He let his son go to learn and he become one of the greatest Torah scholars in the generation.

Rabbi Eliezer son of Hurkanus, was son of rich man. He wanted to study Torah. His father wanted him to tend to the field. One day he found his son crying. What’s the matter said his father. “I want to study Torah.” “You are passed the age of becoming a student.” Rabbi Eliezer ran away. He became a great Torah scholar. His father came to Jerusalem to disown him from his inheritance. His father didn’t recognize his son when he was saying beautiful Divrei / Words of Torah. His father was so impressed. He inquired about the young man. They told him it was his own son. He said I came here to disinherit my son. Now I want to give him my entire fortune. R. Eliezer disagreed. He was satisfied just learning Torah.

They both left against the will of others to become great scholars.

The first line of Mesilat Yesharim / Path of the Just explains achieving one’s goal in life. He says we have to get clear our purpose in life. The question we must ask is : Am i living the life i want to live to achieve my purpose or am I living the life imposed upon me?

The Torah is here to free us. Like it says in Pirkei Avot / the Ethics of the Fathers.

There is a Story of rabbi A. Henoch Leibowitz, former Rosh HaYeshiva of the Chofetz Haim Yeshiva, who wanted to become a doctor. His father asked why. He said I want to help people to be healed. His father said , learning Torah will prevent them from being sick.

The secret is to choose to follow truth , Truth of torah, and be prepared to lose. Lose your friends. Lose your appeal. Lose your popularity. Lose your projected income.

A rabbi said who is the greatest of the forest the Nesher. The king of all birds. It can fly the highest.

But other birds are more talented. They can catch fish. They can swim in the water. They can do many things. The reason why the Nesher is the king is because it is excels in one area. That’s why the Nesher , it is the king. That’s why it can fly the highest.

Free yourself.

Don’t criticize condemn or complain . That’s existing.

A Person who sends a child to a Torah school teaches them to live.

The Need to Knead – Rising to the Challenge or a Timeless Lesson from Abraham

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img_0380The Torah, the Five Books of Moses, was written by G-d.

G-d’s words in the Torah are concise. Something that can be said in three words, will not be said using four. He is not redundant. Every word is calculated. If there is a seemingly extra word or phrase found in Torah, it must be teaching a lesson.

In this week’s Parasha / Weekly Torah reading, Parashat Va’yera, we find several instances of seemingly redundant words.

Avraham Avinu, the forefather of the Jewish nation was exemplary in doing kindness. His Tent was open on four sides to accomodate guests, so that they would find a door on any side they approached.

He had great desire to do kindness. So much so that on the third day of his circumcision, the most painful day, he was sitting outside his tent in the scorching heat searching for guests.

G-d was speaking with Avraham, when he saw three angels, disguised as men. His desire for doing kindness was so great that he excused himself from speaking to G-d to invite these men for a meal.

He asked his wife to knead the dough and prepare bread.

Two questions – why did he have to ask her to knead the dough? Sarah, his wife, knew how to make bread. Also Sarah had many servants, why should she knead the dough?

One answer is, making dough is the most rigorous part of making bread. Avraham wanted to teach her that if a Mitzvah comes in one’s hands, do the most difficult part.

Apparently, he was telling her for self perfection, through mitzvahs / commandments, doing the more challenging part will help a person to better themselves. It will help them become closer to G-d and they will get the greatest reward.

Because it is difficult it is not bad. One has to rise to the challenge. Life without challenge is existance. Life with overcoming challenges is living. Life can be difficult but still be good for the person.

Some shy away from doing mitzvot because they are challenging. challenge is part of the Mitzvah. Challenge helps us grow. as opposed to challenges from exercise and sport, which can make a person a stronger athelete, Challenges from the Torah make us a better person.

when we overcome we feel better about life and ourselves.

This is one explanation of the saying in Pirkei Avot “According to the pain is the reward.”

Stress Killers – It’s all Attitude

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Why do some people get stressed and others do not?

Apparently, attitude.

I recently went to a talk about stress. The Lecturer, Dr. Peter Reznik, mentioned that expectations that are not met cause stress. He said do your effort but if your expectations are not met don’t get flustered.

This idea is found in Torah.

We find it in Pirkei Avot / Ethics of The Fathers (2:16) which was made into a song … lo alecha hamlacha ligmor…

It is not your responsiblity to complete the work (ie, learn the Entire Torah), but you are not free to desist from it.

G.d rewards us for our efforts. Many a time the result is not in our hands.

Worse than failure, is not trying.

The deadline. The pressure of being responsible for your family’s food on the table. The pressure of nagging spouses all can increase stress.

I don’t need this pressure on. so kick it off. It’s in your control to get stressed or not. You choose to be cool.

המעניין יותר שמצאתי הוא בספר העיקרים לר”י אלבו (מאמר שלישי פכ”ז):

“כי כמו שהזמן הוא דבר בלתי נמצא בפעל, כי העבר אינו נמצא והעתיד לא יצא עדיין אל הפעל וההוה אינו אלא העתה הקושר בין העבר והעתיד”

One statement we find that helps us to cope with worry is :

Time is something that has no real existance. The past is no longer, and the future hasn’t arrived and the present is now that ties the past and future.

or One should not worry because The past has past and the future is unknown and the present passes in the blink of an eye.

Even if a sword is on a person’s neck there is always hope.

Belief in a G.d that only does good and what is in our best interests also makes it easier to cope with the daily aggravations we encounter.

Beleif that there will be a positive outcome can lead to a positive outcome, and the contrary. That is the power of positive thinking.

One who has such strong belief in G.d can nullify any force. This is the power of Believing that ‘Ein Od Milevado” – There is only Hashe-m / G-d.

Don’t Have Time to Hate. Love.

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russian-alarm-clock-clockwork-universe-etsySome people base their lives on hatred of others.

What a pity for the haters.

What will they have accomplished when they leave the world. That they hated and ate themselves up?

Hate is a waste of time.

What will they answer the question to G-d when they get to heaven – “why did you hate?”

When one hates – they put the control of their lives in the hands of the those they hate.

That’s what drives them.

Poor Souls.

Better to be great than to hate.

Improving Your Family Relationships by Limiting TV Viewing

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zinnia 2Imagine the good in the world created by taking one hour a day from watching TV to improve another person’s life – Especially if that person is your own child.

Sometimes we see things more objectively with a cold head.

Let’s investigate together objectively the value of Television.

Before taking a decision on something that affects the family, responsible parents evaluate the effect that that decision will have on the long-term future of the family.

There are many considerations to take into account (see below) but here we will focus mainly on Relationship between Family Members

Some Considerations:
1) Effect on Values
2) Effect on Well-being of Family
3) Effect on Productivity
4) Effect on Opportunity costs
5) Effect on Outlook in Life
6) Effect on Social Development
7) Effect on Relationship between family members
8) Effect on Character traits
9) Effect on Safety of Family
10) Effect on Education of Family
11) Effect on Convenience
12) Effect on Financial status of Family
13) Effect on Finances of Family
14) Effect on Mitzvah Observance & Torah Study
15) Effect on Perceived Status of Family
16) Effect on Creativity
17) Effect on Creative Output
18) Effect of Wholesomeness of Family
19) Effect on Entertainment of Family
20) Effect on Psychology
21) Effect on Happiness of Family
22) Effect of Relationship with Hash-m
23) Effect on Self-Esteem
24) Effect of Tranquility
25) Effect on Satisfaction in Life
26) Effect on Health
27) Effect on Continuity Of Family

Some considerations overlap, some have an affect on one another. For instance by allowing a person to be more creative, we are helping them build their self-esteem. Also, to be fair the decision should not be made in a vacuum – meaning the Value of watching TV can be compared to the value of doing kindness, learning Torah or being creative.

Families prioritize what they find most important. For some number 23 – Happiness of Family is most important. For Some number 22 – Relationship with Hash-m is most important. Based upon what is important to you, you will decide what is best for the child. (Putting the nagging of the children aside :))

We are all intelligent.

Intelligence is shown by thoughts and by action.

Let’s put things into perspective. Who are the most important people in your life? Most would say, “my immediate family. “

So does the TV improve those relationships or not?

To see things objectively we should ask people who have seen both sides of the coin. Life with and without TV.

Occasionally a town in the us drops TV for a week. They report better communication, more wholesome activities, less stress and better relationships.

Apparently, what they are saying is true.

Having a relationship with a person is much more fulfilling than having one with an image box. And even more fulfilling with family.

When a child talks with a parent and either is involved watching TV (or using the computer) undivided attention is not present. This is not respectful to the parent or the child.

It’s not just media is the message.
You know that it is unpleasant when you are in a middle of a conversation with a friend and your friend starts talking on the phone with someone else. Talking to a couch potato or computer/phone/ipad/work addict isn’t pleasant either. You know they only have half of their attention on what you are saying. The other half of their attention is on the latest news. It also sends a message to the other person … “my work/TV/phone/computer is more important than what you are saying.” We wonder sometimes where the lack of attentiveness of children comes from – here’s a possible source.

Basics of Positive Relationships
Giving undivided attention to another is one of the basics of a positive relationships. Knowing the other’s interests, challenges, strengths and positive points is another. Once known, doing things related and discussing them will help in the relationship and the development of the child or other person.

Unfortunately some are more in touch with the lives of celebrities than those of family or friends.

Sometimes, a person is so involved in a show or a program, when someone disturbs them, they snap at them with angry words. Hold on! Remember, your children come first.

Less Stress for Children. Less Parenting Stress.
I used to watch TV. I don’t miss it. Really, not one bit.

Sometimes I ask a person why they watch TV. The basic answer I get is “I have to be informed.” But in today’s day and age TV is not necessary for news. There are fine periodicals like Mishpacha Magazine, or Hamodia or Yated Ne’eman that has “all the news that’s really fit to print.” 🙂

When one sees violence on TV it stresses a person and creates a negative and fearful image of the world. You can be informed without being stressed out. Imagine what it does to children. The latest crimes, the violent schemes of the world on the big screen. Good or not good for family? You decide.

Why do children have nightmares? The Talmud in tractate Berachot discusses dreams. It says that a person sometimes dreams of what they thought about during the day.

Less TV, less stress.

More Deep Relationships with Family
If the major interests of a family is their occupation with celebrities it detracts from their relationship with their children .. or at least makes it more shallow. When one takes an interest in children, their relationship improves markedly.

More Wholesome Activities

So what should one do instead of TV to build relationships?

Get involved with the Torah community together
Do Mitzvas or Kindness Together as a Family
Bikur holim – there are groups and organizations like Bikur Holim that go to hospitals to visit patients there, some that cook for families that Just had a baby.
Read a Kosher novel – that usually have a theme with a positive morale or are educational. Many are available online at Artscroll, Feldheim, etc. One that is an excellent is “The Voyage to Good Middos” Series By Rabbi Baruch Chait. Where kids learn to improve their character traits by hearing stories of Middos challenges. It can serve to develop a good conversation.
Play board games with family
Learn Torah with family members
Invite a Torah scholar to your house to give a lecture
Say the shema at bedtime for kids. We say Shema two times a day – the morning and at night. A child that sleeps with a shema and nice Jewish bedtime story will also have nice dreams.

Most Torah Observant Jews have No Tv. For the above reason, for the opportunity cost of watching TV and for the negative influence TV has on the kids and family.

To sell ads TV many times appeals to the lowest common denominator. The advertisers get what they want – ratings. It shows violence, disrespectful youth, immorality, and the improperly dressed. There used to be a saying “The street is the street and the home is the home.” TV has effectively brought the street into the home. Is it in the best interest of the child? You decide.

Help Your Children Be Themselves
As a parent our we were blessed with our particular children because we have the greatest possibility of helping them develop their greatest potential – in regards to Torah & Mitzvot. We want them to express their real self – their soul. Limiting TV has the effect of increasing the individuality of the person. He is not influenced to be like a celebrity. He is freer to express his own-self and individuality.

They can express themselves creatively. Instead of escaping or “killing time” they express themselves through productive activities. They blossom and become more themselves.

Can’t go cold turkey? Try to make limits. No TV during supper. No TV/Computer/Phone/Ipad between 7 and nine. No TV one day a week. Anyone has the right to turn off the TV at any time for any reason without receiving derision from other family members. This is family time. Little by little you will be able to kick the habit.

I don’t think anyone ever said when the kids we’re moving out or on their deathbed : “Too bad I should have watched more TV.” But many have said… “I wish I could have spent more time with my family.”

Turn off TV. Turn on life.