Traveling, one encounters forks in the road.

Take one fork you arrive in New York. Take the other you will find yourself in Philadelphia.

Life also has forks.

Decide on one path you arrive at point A, take the other you arrive at point B.

This is not a problem if you have no destination to arrive to.

But most people want to arrive at a specific destination at the end of their life.

They want their life to be meaningful and at the end we hope that we will have achieved our purpose.

Once a Rabbi was on the platform between two trains. He asked his student to estimate the distance between the two trains. The students responded “about 30 feet”. The Rabbi responded “in reality they are 3000 miles apart because one is going to New York and the other one is going to California.”

The decision you make now will have great repercussions upon your life – 30 years from now.

Thus dating is an important process to help one decide where they’re going to be 30 years from now.

Dating in Judaism, has contrary to society’s values, is specifically to find a mate that is suitable for marriage.

This changes the face of dating.

The goal is not to have a good time, rather it is to find out if the person in front of you is suitable to help you and them to reach your common potential together in the context of marriage. Part of finding the right mate is finding someone you can communicate and enjoy life with. But having enjoyment without having the basic necessities leads to a dead end road.

A person who looks at dating as a matter to just have a good time is like the person who takes a road trip without having a designated destination. They may have a good time, but in the end, they end up not getting anywhere.

Avoiding the 7 Dating Mistakes

1. Know Your Destination Before you Start

Put in your mind that you are dating to find a suitable marriage partner. Once that is your goal – it makes things much easier. You talk to find out if the person has the right values, goals, Torah outlook and character traits to be able to establish a family together.

Look in the places that fit your standards for a mate.

I give the following advice to people – before person gets married that should reinforce themselves in observance of Judaism.

The reason is is that God matches a person according to the level of observance – or open-mindedness to observance of Judaism of the potential mate.

Thus, if a person is hanging out in bars and discotheques – God will most likely give you the opportunity to meet those kinds of people. If you go to Jewish Torah lectures, you will find a mate with more proper Jewish values, than those found in a bar.

Not judging those people who hang out in bars – I used to go myself – they are not usually interested in spiritual growth. Thus if you raise your standard, God will raise the standard of person you will meet.

If you value keeping kosher, God will likely help you find someone who also keeps kosher.

If you value observing the Shabbat and start observing it, that God will also introduce you to someone has who has like values.

If you value learning Torah, and start learning Torah regularly, God will help you to find someone also values Torah learning.

You should know that Judaism was fashioned by G-d that through it a person is able to reach their potential in life and to raise the best family that they possibly can. Following Torah allows one to reach their potential. A Jewish person reaches their potential by observing the 613 commandments. A non-Jew reaches their potential by following the 7 Noahide laws – that are commanded by the Torah for all people.

Thus it makes sense to find a mate that values Judaism observance.

2. Assure that your Potential Mate is Jewish, if you are Jewish. Assure that they want to follow the 7 Noahide laws if you are not.

If you are Jewish and your current partner is not, it is better to break up. If you are adamant about your continuing with your current partner – Break up, assure that they will convert to Judaism through guidance of an Orthodox Rabbi. Once they convert you can decide whether the relationship works. If they are not serious or not honest better to break it off.

If you are not Jewish and your partner is Jewish, then you should break up with them. If you are adamant about continuing with your partner, you should ask yourself if you are ready to convert to Judaism through the guidance of an Orthodox rabbi.

Jewish is defined by having a mother, or a maternal grandmother that was Jewish or converted according to Torah Law – through a Jewish Orthodox Beit Din / court of law.

When a husband or wife are Jewish and their spouse are from a different religion it causes strife in the couple.

The children are also confused. They go to one grandparents or uncles or aunts house and they see one religion being observed. And they go to another house and they see another religion being observed. This not only confuses them, but it detracts from their self-confidence. They don’t know where they belong. They don’t know whether they belong in one camp or the other. Whether to adopt one set of values or not. In essence intermarriage is unfair to the resulting children.

Thus it makes sense for a Jew to marry a Jew.

A Jewish person is not allowed to marry a Non-Jew. A Jewish person cannot relinquish their religion. They will always be considered Jewish and obligated to follow Jewish law regardless of motions that they do if they try to “convert out”.

Someone who is currently not a Jew who wants to marry a Jew, should first breakup with their current mate. Then learn about conversion to Judaism through an Orthodox rabbi and see if they are ready to take on all the obligations that the Torah law requires. If they are not, it makes sense for them to find another potential mate.

3. Avoid Contact during Dating

Contact during dating makes it more difficult to make an unbiased decision about whether their current mate has marriage potential. Once a person has had contact with their mate, they are necessarily biased and cannot come to a fully objective decision of whether their prospective mate has the right qualities to help bring out their potential in life.

4. Assure Your Potential Mate is On the Same Wavelength –

Some people just want to have fun. They have no intention whatsoever to get married. Thus they waste the time of their mate that does want to get married. Thus it makes sense to clarify where their mate is holding in terms of marriage – to assure they also want to get Married.

Some mates want to have children while the other does not. According to Torah a man is obligated to have children – at least a boy and a girl. Thus it makes sense for a person to assure that their potential mate also wants to have children.

Some mates will say anything to assure they will get married but once married they change their tune. They do the opposite of what they said they would do. Thus it makes more sense to find someone who is already doing the major things that are important to you – rather than to rely on a promise.

One should assure that their mate observes Torah and Mitzvot or seriously wants to.

Some want to marry a working man. Some women want to marry a man that just learns Torah. Some want to marry a man that does half and half. Determine what you are looking for.

5. Look for Character Traits
Inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. Thus searching for good character traits in a potential mates makes more sense, than to search for someone who has only external beauty.

Person can get used to looks. But getting used to bad character is much more difficult.

6. Get References about Your Potential Mate
At times a person looks nice and acts nicely – but inside they are a snake. They won’t show their scales, fangs or venom in public for fear of alienating their mate. After they get under the wedding canopy, the hissing starts.

Not everybody is a snake. But it makes sense to get references and to learn about the mate from third parties before getting married. One may ask about the temper of the potential mate, and the health, and the ability to bear children.

There are Jewish laws that prohibit speaking badly about others. Thus when asking a third-party for information about a particular mate, you must specify that the reason you want this information is you are interested in dating them for marriage. Thus they will be allowed according to Jewish law to tell that you things that are of use, that they would not be allowed to had you not mentioned that fact.

You must also ask pointed questions – like did you ever see the person getting angry?
– Do you know if this person has an abusive personality?
– You know of anything bad that would impinge on a marriage about this person?
– Do you know of any health problems or psychological problems that this person has?

Do not ask very vague questions that everybody can shirk their responsibility in answering the question – like is this person a nice person? Everybody can act nicely in certain situations. Thus the question is not necessarily useful.

7. Consider Each Potential Mate Seriously – Don’t Reject Because of Lack of Perfection
when I was going out, I would consider seriously each person that was proposed to me. I had the Torah Outlook that everything that God does is for a purpose. Thus if God arranged that someone proposed a certain mate to me, I would consider them seriously – unless they were seriously out of the ballpark. I would try to go out until things would not work out. There were times that I almost got engaged and God arranged that things did not work out. This does not mean to be naïve and say yes to everybody, but it means that a person should consider seriously the people that God puts in their path, provided that they meet all the criteria above.

At times, a person rejects a good Shidduch / Potential Mate because they did not find perfection. Most of the time this is wrong because each person is not perfect themselves. One of the purpose of marriage is to work together for each one of them to achieve a greater perfection.

People also make the mistake of thinking that the person is etched in stone and cannot change. People can change for the better or for the worse. A mates can have an influence on the decisions of their spouse. They can influence them to become better or to change their mind on certain decisions.

There was a a girl that did not want to date a boy because he said that if he could not support his family he might move away from where she wanted to live. She felt that it was serious enough to reject meeting the boy.

I suggested that she speak with great rabbis of the generation to find out if that was a worthy reason to not meet a person. If a person has a doubt about meeting or continuing with a person, they should consult with Daat Torah – an orthodox rabbi or person who can give you the Torah’s perspective on the concern.

In any case, a woman has potential to influence her husband. When people get married they don’t get married in a vacuum. Each one can influence the other for the good or for the bad. People should take that fact into consideration as well before rejecting a good prospective mate due to an insignificant detail.

There is a story about to righteous people that were married. They divorced. The husband got married to a wicked wife. And the wife got married to a wicked man. The once righteous man became wicked through the influence of his wife. The righteous wife remained righteous and changed her wicked husband to become righteous as well. Both spouses have power to influence their spouse. But the wife apparently has more power to influence her husband then her husband to influence her.

These are just some of the considerations one should take into account. Continuous growth in Judaism when one is single and after marriage helps a person reach their potential. Thus a mate that one is searching for should have this also has a value – the desire to grow in Torah and mitzvot for them to reach their potential together.

One book that speaks of this is called “The River, the Kettle and the Bird”. It talks about three types of relationships that a married couple can achieve. It is a good book to read before getting married.

Observing the advice above will help a person raise a family that they are happy with and help them reach their potential in life. Moreover it will also help them to lead an enjoyable life. Observing Judaism helps a person to lead a happy life. Families enjoy Shabbat together. Members of the family respect one another. Members of the family acts with kindness and nobility with one another – when they follow the laws of the Torah.