Don’t Get Angry. Vent Your Emotions Productively

Orange FlamesThe trials of the world are great. Put in a situation, it is up to us to decide what is the best way to react according to Torah.

The Torah tells us – not to become angry.

Or even if we do see we are becoming angry – calming techniques should be in place to placate the anger.

Jewish Books and letters and verses exclaim the destruction of anger. The Iggeret HaRamban / Letter of the Ramban / Nachmanides to his son talks on the importance of controlling anger and offers calming suggestions.

A Gentle Answer

Shlomo Hamelech / King Solomon says “A soft answer turns away anger…” in Mishlei / Proverbs (15:1).

This can be interpreted various ways:

When someone else is angry at you, answer them softly and they will calm down. Instead of playing the escalation game – where one yells – and the other screams back – break the tension by answering softly.

Or perhaps if you are angry and you wish to lash out at another person in non-productive way, speak softly and that will calm your anger.

Or if you are angry, speak softly to yourself and tell yourself – calming words – like “The Torah says not to get angry.”

The Destruction of Anger

Once Moshe Rabbeinu / Moses our teacher got angry at the soldiers of the army and he forgot many laws from the Torah.

In most character traits a person should follow the middle path. But anger a person should go to the opposite extreme.

Hillel was exemplary for his humility and his spirit of calmness.

The Talmud (Shabbat 31a) tells a story.

A person should always be gentle like Hillel.

Once two men made a wager of 400 zuz if one of them could anger Hillel. One said You can’t get Hillel angry. The other replied “I’ll bet you 400 zuz that I can.” He went to Hillel at an occasionally stressful point in a time when he was bathing to prepare for Shabbat. He called Hillel out from the Bath House – “Hillel! Where is Hillel?!”

When Hillel came out he said “Yes, my son how can I help you?” He asked him “Are you Hillel? I have a question” He replied “Please ask my son.” The man said “Why are the heads of the Babylonians Round?” Hillel answered “Because their Midwives are not so well versed in delivering Babies”. Hillel returned to Bathe. The Man Called Again “Hillel! Hillel!” Hillel wrapped himself, came out and said “Yes, my son how can I help you?” The man said “I have an important question.” Please ask my son. The man asked “Why Do Africans Have Wide feet?” Hillel replied, “Because they walk through the mud and it makes it easier to travel.”

He asked more questions, but saw that Hillel remained calm. He said “I have many other questions but I am afraid to make Hillel angry.” Hillel replied “Please my son ask all you want.” The man, himself flustered, said “There should not be many more people like you in Israel.” Hillel asked “Why is that?” He said because “I made a bet that I could get you angry, and I lost 400 zuz because of you.”

Hillel replied “It is better that you lose 400 zuz, than Hillel to get angry.”

A great man who gets angry causes a ripple effect that may cause other people to also get angry.

There was once a strange incident in a small town in Europe. A person was killed by another person. The people wondered how such a thing could have happened there. One person in the community had a dream that, before the incident the Rabbi of the community got angry and that caused a ripple effect that triggered one person to kill another.

Using Anger Constructively

Anger, like most other things, can be used for a constructive purpose. It is an emotion that channeled can be used to right the wrongs of society, or to build. If something angers you, ask yourself what can you do practically and productively to remedy the situation. Some people are angry at a situation and they guide their lives to destroy others rather than by remedying the situation. Use your anger positively, not negatively.

For instance, if you see people driving too quickly in the neighborhood, you can “vent” your anger by spearheading a “Drive Carefully campaign.” Write letters to officials. Try to have traffic light installed. Put speed meter signs in strategic places. Petition for “Slow Down” Signs. Many positive things can be done when anger is channeled positively according to Torah.

The main concern is to consult a respectable rabbi to find out what is the real point of view of the Torah – of what is really the right manner of reacting.

Some people think that the right way to react at times is to be silent or sweep things under the rug, when the proper reaction is to talk. And vice versa. Thus having the proper Torah perspective is essential.

Calming Down

Regardless of the reason to not become angry, it is incumbent upon a person to recognize their strengths and weaknesses. Once they know they have a bad temper, it is up to them to and implement solutions to overcome this trait. Books have been written on the subject, like “Anger : the inner Teacher” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.

Really, anger should be used as a tool to be shown but not felt. Meaning at times one should show they are angry, without feeling anger inside. Meaning you control your reaction of anger, not your anger controls your reaction.

Some common Techniques for Anger Management include:

1) Know what causes you to get angry. Ask yourself: What situations cause your anger?
2) Determine Why do you get angry in these situations?
3) Think out a plan of what to do or a manner of reacting when you get angry.
4) When you feel that you are getting angry tell yourself – try to calm down. Or say to the other person, please refrain from “this activity” it is causing me to get angry.
5) Ask others for help to calm you before, during or after a time of anger to help placate yourself.
6) Say to yourself “I am in control” or other sayings that calm you.
7) Answer in a soft manner.
8) Pray to G-d to help you to overcome your anger and your trials in life in the proper way.

The Rozdoler Rabbi said: “When I feel angry against a person, I delay the expression of my anger. I say to myself: `What will I lose if I postpone my anger?'”

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