Category Archives: Spirituality

Joshua be Nimble – How to Revamp & Relocate Quickly in Changing Times

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It was a Motzi Shabbat / After Shabbat. Yehoshua (Joshua’s Hebrew name) comes in to the synagogue after the Avot Ubanim program (where fathers learn Torah together with their sons). He announces He is moving to Florida in 3 days. We were astounded by this quick decision. He had a great opportunity and decided to take it up.

In New York He had financial success, a nice house, his children were in a Torah Day School. He was appreciated in the community. He loved his Rabbi & Synagogue. He had learning sessions / a chevruta in a local Yeshiva with a friend. But he thought – this is a great opportunity. Some encouraged him – and wished him well. Others told him to take time to think about it.

He planned it out – He found a place in Florida. He found an Orthodox synagogue in his new neighborhood. He found a Torah Day school for his children. He found a little community in his new neighborhood. He would take care of selling his former house by an agent.

In several days he made a major life move.

What can we learn?

People are at times stuck. They are stuck with their attitude. They are stuck in a dead end job or relationship. They are stuck in their neighborhood – not because it is best for them – but out of habit. People are averse to change.

Many people left New York recently – I heard over 300,000. I guess the gains of living in NY were outweighed by the benefits of living elsewhere.

Adopting a New Attitude

Today’s times are quickly changing. We can learn from Joshua to move when a good opportunity arises. Or when a new attitude arises. The Torah has many great ways of living a more meaningful existence. A great place to start is by learning Pirkei Avot / Ehics of the Fathers. Shrugging them off we lose a great opportunity.

The Great Aliya in times of Mashiach

Also the events of these times signal and the great Rabbis say that we are in the times close to Mashiach / the Messiah. Miraculous events that will happen will be greater – than those that happened when we left Egypt. There will be a parallel also – just like the Jews of Egypt were asked to leave Egypt to go to the Promised Land – Israel – the Jews will be asked by the Messiah to relocate to Israel. I guess we should learn from Yehoshua – to be light and grab the opportunity. Those that are attached to their houses, Jobs, school, circle of friends, etc. will have to make a choice. Will they chose a golden opportunity to live a more spiritually satisfying life – or remain attached to their material property.

Be Light like the Eagle

This is what Pirkei Avot / Ehics of the Fathers (Chapter 5:20) means :

Be Bold to Do the Will of G·d

20. Yehuda ben Tema says: Be bold like the leopard & light like the nesher [king of birds] & quick like the deer & strong like the lion to do the Will of your Father in Heaven.

Let’s learn to be lighter in our improving our life. Some people were tempted to relinquish the possibility of growing spiritually in Torah and Mitzvoth – and the beautiful life it entails – for a pack of chiclets.

I heard when a certain mountain was supposed to erupt. They knew it beforehand. They warned the surrounding towns and villages to evacuate. Some residents interviewed – they would not relocate. Asked why? They replied – I was living here all my life.

Be Nimble. Be Quick. And Don’t jump over the candlestick. Jump over the attitude stick.

Don’t Just Thank G-d – Do This Too

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Weekly we read a new Torah portion / parasha at the synagogue. In parasha Be’haalotecha – Hash-m commands Aharon to light the Menora.

He says : “Speak to Aharon, and say to him; When you light (literally: ascend) the lamps towards the face of the Menorah shall the seven lamps cast [their] light.” (Bamidbar / Numbers 8:2)

Ki Ner Mitzvah ve Torah Or / A Candle is a Mitzvah & Torah is Light. Many Torah commentators explain the Menorah’s significance and what it symbolizes. Some say the 7 branches represent the 7 types of wisdom. Some say that it represents the 7 days of the week. The center being Shabbat. It is possible to explain when one sanctifies the Shabbat – (the face of the Menorah was the center lamp) – the 7 lamps shall cast their lights. When one observes the shabbat – the entire week takes on new holliness and light. The observance of Shabbat gives sanctification for the rest of the week allowing a person greater success.

Another interpretation is that – When you ascend to do the Mitzvot / commandments – you shall bring in Holiness 7 days a week. Our attachment to Hash-m / spirituality is really experienced when we are immersed 7 days a week in Torah and mitzvot. When a person is immersed in Torah 7 days a week then they see the light. They see the light of Torah. They see light in their lives. They see the blessing. When people observe Torah as a nice tradition – when convenient – they do not necessarily experience that light. Thus is why many Jews seek other philosophies – they never sought to immerse themselves in Torah & Mitzvah observance completely – 7 days a week. They didn’t feel the closeness to Hash-m – because Judaism was treated as a nice pastime – rather than life itself.

Part of feeling the Spirituality / Closeness to Hash-m of Judaism is being thankful every moment for the good in one’s life. People get depressed because they see the difficulties, the lackings – the Torah says be thankful for what you have. Do not envy. Look at the half full cup as completely full.

When we have good in our lives – let’s be thankful for every single thing.

When we thank G-d – He sees we appreciate our blessings and provides us with more. But we should ask for more after thanking G-d – to continue giving us the blessing or to give us more.

We learn this from Leah – our Matriarch. When she had Yehuda – which means “I will thank” – she stopped having children for a period. Why? Because sometimes thank you may mean “No Thank You” or “Thank you – that is enough”. Thus when we do thank Hash-m – don’t just express your appreciation – ask for more.

But feeling thankful also entails feeling indebted to the person. Many will go out of their way to help others who did them a favor in the past. This feeling of gratitude – should help to motivate us to do more good, do more Mitzvot, to learn more Torah & to reciprocate the good that we received from Hash-m to our fellows.

The Butterfly Effect – the Spiritual Aspect of Cause and Effect in Judaism

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The Butterfly Effect is a theory associated with Edward Lorenz. He states that the path of a Tornado and slight variations can be caused by the flap of a butterfly wings.

In Torah we believe in a Physical world and a parallel Spiritual world. There is laws of “nature” in both. We decide what happens in this world through our actions. G-d gave us Freedom of Choice to Choose doing good or bad – and responsibility for the consequences.

Let’s say a person gives charity to a poor man. He creates an angel that is a Defendant. This defendant angel will defend the person and possibly the whole world from negative outcomes due to this one action. G-d will then decide on a course of action in the Spiritual world that will be effectuated in the Physical world. Let’s say G-d will then decide – because this person did this good deed all of the people in a certain town in the United States will be given food. His act caused a spiritual outcome that affected the physical world.

It also happens for negative deeds.

Stories abound about this. The Pirkei Avot / Ethics of the Fathers (Chapter 4 – Mishna 2)  Mentions it :

Good causes Good & Evil, Evil
2. Ben A’zzai says: “Run to [do] a simple Mitzvah (like for a weighty one) & run away from the sin for a Mitzvah causes a Mitzvah & a sin causes a sin; for the compensation of a Mitzvah is a Mitzvah & the compensation for a sin is a sin.”

In the Time of Baba Sali – a man who was careful about guarding his eyes from looking at woman – saved an entire bus of people.

In Europe – once a person was killed in a small town. It was very unusual. Someone had a dream – that that week the Town Rabbi became very angry and it had a domino effect causing this murder.

We can understand this phenomena as cause and effect or spiritual consequences. In the second story, it is possible that the Rabbi – got angry at an individual – and that individual vented off his steam on someone else and the third person – went out to kill someone. Or it is possible to explain that the Rabbi’s anger – which was a transgression – caused the decree in Heaven that someone in his town was to be killed.

Our actions are meaningful. Our words are meaningful. Our thoughts are meaningful. A Jew that has a thought to do something good is credited as if he did a positive act. Some people who have a thought to do something negative – are also credited as if they did it. In the Hagada quoting the text that we say when we bring the first fruits in Devarim / Deut (26:5) – we say “An Aramean – Who killed our forefather [Jacob]  – caused us to descend to Egypt.” Who was this Aramean? It was Lavan – the father of Rachel – his wife. Why does it say he “killed our forefather?” because he tought to do it – it is credited to him as if he did do it.

A Jew who studies Torah gives the world life. He causes it to remain intact and brings great goodness to the world. If the Non-Jews knew the great consequences of the Jews learning Torah – they would appoint guardians over us to assure that we study Torah.

This is also the concept of Middah Keneged Middah / Measure for measure. The good one does (and the opposite) eventually returns to him or her.

Do good. Get good. Do good for the world.

The 7 Noahide Laws – A Primer Before Conversion to Judaism

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It seems that many people have a feeling for Judaism – Jews & Gentiles.

Many religions accept the Torah as True – but they say “G-d ‘changed His mind’ about the people He chose or the doing of the commandments He gave.” G-d gave the ability of a person to make a logical deductions and freedom of choice. Apparently with those two abilities – one can come to truth. But a person has to be unbiased and willing to give up anything for truth – things that many are not willing to do.

What are Your ‘Chiclets’?

Some will not accept doing Shabbat – because they want not to give up their shopping day. I heard – once – a woman Koshered her house and was willing to go all the way to complete Observance of Orthodox Torah Judaism – when she saw a packet of “Chiclets” gum on the table. At that moment she had second thoughts – She told the rabbi “I don’t want to give up my Chiclets” – until he calmed her down apparently telling her there are Kosher alternatives to Chiclets.

Does it make logical sense to say G-d changed His mind about anything? G-d – unlike humans – knows the past, present and future. He knows the ability of people. He knows who he can trust. So to say G-d changed his mind about His doing law – is illogical.

Did G-d give one law for all people or laws for Jews and laws for Gentiles?

Most religions say observe their law – and if not one is an infidel. The Torah says “Jews Observe our laws and Gentiles – Observe Your laws.” If a gentile observes their laws that is great.

The problem in other philosophies lies in professing that G-d gave one law for all people to observe. According to Torah – He gave laws for Gentiles – the 7 Noahide laws – which are really 30 laws – and laws for Jews – the 613 commandments. The 7 Noahide Laws are a step in the right direction for those wanting to observe Judaism. The Noahides – learn Torah about their laws – and observe some commandments like the Jews. If a Gentile wants to go further – they can always chose to convert to Judaism with an Respected, Competent, Knowledgeable, Orthodox Rabbi – that deals with Conversions.

Following the Torahs laws allows a person to receive a place in Heaven. Thus a person who really is searching for truth – and wants a place in heaven – will investigate what the Torah promises for Jews and Gentiles observing Torah.

 

Finding a “No Internet” Phone – for Executives, Seniors, Kids or Kosher Phone Seekers

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Nowadays phones sell based upon how many gadgets they have. I personally dislike giving a kid a phone to be a babysitter. By an “accidental” press of a button – they can arrive at improper sites and videos. Seniors also prefer a phone that is simple.

People who want a “No Internet” phone

Mainly Five Groups of People are interested in NO Internet phones

How can you find that phone? How can you find the phone service that provides a plan without data?

I went through the motions and I’d like to share you my techniques in finding a “No Internet Phone”

There are two aspects to be concerned about:

  • finding the right phone plan – that offers no data.
  • finding the right phone  – that offers no data

Many companies offer no data. But if you have a phone that has wifi capability – going to any “free wifi” area – will allow you to bypass that concern.

A phone that has no wifi with a phone plan that offers data might also be problematic. Why? Because at times that phone will also access the internet – through your phone plan.

Thus to be on the safe side – it’s best to get both

  • A plan without data and
  • a phone without wifi capability.

Choosing a Plan

Let’s talk about the plan first – how do you find one that offers “No Data”?

I found one called “tello.com” – it is on the former “Sprint” Network (Sprint was bought-out by T-Mobile – so it will likely continue to be supported). Unlimited talk and text (without Internet Data) costs about $8 monthly.

You will probably be able to find other plans that offer “No Data.”

You may also want to make sure the plan offers coverage in your home area. You can do a search of

“Phone Coverage Areas” Sprint

or for whatever your plan you are considering.

Choose one that suits you the best.

Choosing the Right Phone

Now that you have chosen your “No Data” plan – now choose a phone.

How?

Your cell phone carrier usually uses one of two cell phone transmission systems:

Either CDMA or GSM.

  • GSM is used by AT&T, Cricket and others
  • CDMA is used by Verizon, Sprint, Metro PCS, T-Mobile

Finding a Non-Internet Phone

The Simplest way to find a kosher phone is to go to a search engine – like google.com or duckduckgo.com or a shopping site like amazon.com or ebay.com and search for :

“kosher phone”

You can choose a phone or even a plan. There are phone stores that only sell Kosher Phones.

Here are some stores and organizations:

Kosher Cell

  • It offers various cell-phones that lack internet capability

KPhone

  • It offers an exclusively Zoom tablet from Amazon

Tech Kosher

  • An Organization that will recommend the right phone for you

DIY (Do it Yourself) – finding a Kosher Phone

It is highly recommended to use one of the above or other “kosher phone” organizations to find the right kosher phones. They will be able to answer many of your concerns.

One site that evaluates cell phones is called Phonearena.com. To find a phone that has no wifi capability Do a Google search for either

“lacks wifi” site:phonearena.com

or

“lacks wi-fi” site:phonearena.com

This will help you find phones on the site that don’t offer wifi. Then you can look at that particular phone if it serves your needs. Obviously you must make sure it works with your phone plan.

Most phones today offer wifi capability. One way to find a “No Internet” phone is to go to Ebay.com or amazon.com and search:

“Kosher Phone”

or

“sprint phone” – (or whatever carrier you have)

or

“cdma phone” – – (or GSM – if your carrier uses that system)

or

“no wifi”

or

“no internet phone”

then sort by least expensive.

Usually you will find phones that have no internet capabilities – but you must confirm by reading the details about the phone or looking up the phone model on phonearena.com. Because it is inexpensive doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t have internet capability.

Look at the phone screen to see if it offers “web browsing.” If it does it is not a “no internet Phone”

For phone safety find a phone that has a low SAR or EMF (radiation) level for the head and body. Stay away from phones with SAR levels of over 0.9.

 

 

Drop Your Angry Mood with a New Attitude

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It’s a Mitzvah to be happy. Ivdo et Hash-m BeSimcha. Serve Hash-m / G-d with Joy.

What’s Your General Mood?

Some like to have that angry mood. The Cool man show. The Drama queen. The “everybody owes me” mood. You choose it. But apparently the best mood is to be happy. A difference exists between happy and joking. A balance is needed. A person who is all jokes may end up missing the boat.

Do Real Good to Others & Feel Good Yourself

Apparently people want to do what’s right and good. Everyone in their way. One way is to make others happy. The people closer to you – you have more of an obligation. Do good. What is good for them. They might not realize it – but that’s a positive goal in life. And doing good makes you feel good.

Some may say – my friend likes to smoke – I’ll give him or her cigarettes. But that might be good in their eyes – but not ultimately good for them. How can I find out what is good? Look in the Torah – it will tell you. The Torah is Hash-m’s / G-d’s word.

Changing Moods

So how do I change my mood? Look at the face of babies. Interact with smiley – positive people. Fill yourself with positive spiritual energy – by doing good deeds, Mitzvot and learning Torah. Attend a Torah shiur / lecture. Plenty exist on-line. On almost every subject you may want. See our Links section for those with the Jerusalem Life “Stamp of Recommendation.”

A good place to start is “Torah Anytime” site. Choose your rabbi that makes you think, feel good, interests you and makes you smile and helps you become a better person.

Interact on a Less Superficial Level

A joke: Three women were talking. One says “You know, when I die I want to be buried in a Jewish Cemetery.” The other one says “When I die I want to be buried in a Jewish Cemetery in Israel.” The third one says “When I die – I want to be buried in Bloomingdales. At least I’ll know my Daughter-in-law will visit me once a week.”

The material is a means to becoming elevated spiritually. People of Torah add to the material speak – words of Torah.

Using Material to become elevated spiritually

Going shopping is good.  The ultimate goal in life is not the material in itself. According to Judaism it is to use the material to attain the spiritual. If you shop to look good for Shabbat or to present yourself in an elegantly respectful or modest way or to give for others – you elevated your shopping to becoming a Mitzvah. Giving Charity to the poor – you use material – to elevate you spiritually. Inviting guests over for Shabbat – you give materially – food, drink & hospitality – & you grow spiritually. (For those searching to invite or be invited for a Shabbat meal – Shabbat.Com was made for that goal.)

Choose Friends that Help You Grow with Torah Spirituality

Be friendly with people who want to help you grow spiritually in Torah.

This week’s parasha / Torah reading – Vayera teaches us this lesson. “And to him [Avraham] G-d appeared in the plains of Mamre and he [Avraham] was sitting by the door of his tent in the heat of the day.” Rashi – one of the Main Commentators of the Torah – says Mamre was the one who gave Avraham the advice to do the [command of G-d the] circumcision – that’s why G-d appeared in his [Mamre’s] area.

Make Your Soul Happy – Make Your Self Happy

When you are spiritually happy – it’s easier to be externally happy.

Dextox Your Brain – How to Reboot to Serenity

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I was on a flight back from Los Angeles. I avoid watching movies and TV. The written word is more educational – in general – I feel. But at times the screen of people seated ahead of me caught my glance. They were watching some action movies. A far cry from when I was young. The scenes were fast paced. Switching from one clip to another in 3 seconds or less. Extreme movement and violence.

Wow. That’s the entertainment of today. Thank you. I’ll pass. I’d rather live my life with meaningful relationships than staring at screens. Though I admit that I should cut down my computer and phone time as little as it may be in comparison to the common man.

After the flight – these images flashed in my mind. Explosions. Superheros. Violent fighting. Car Crashes. Got to get it out of my system I thought.

The solution. Simple. Stop watching for a period of time. G-d gave us the blessing of forgetting. It is also a gift so that a person will not dwell on difficult situations on the past. Eventually they will forget. It takes about 7 years to forget completely the feeling of a past loved one. After a year it seems distant.

Once Baba Sali – a great sage – accidentally saw an immodestly dressed woman. I believe fe fasted for 30 days to remove the image from his mind.

I’m not on that level. But I avoid sights – that contain violence. I filter my internet. I take precautions that what I view is filtered. I guess taking a break from viewing is a good start. Reading instead of watching is also good. Learning Torah is also good.

Just like detoxing from certain foods and hard drinks will make you feel more physically healthy – detoxing from media will make you feel emotionally and spiritually lighter.

Give Yourself more time to devote to self-improvement and enjoying your relations with others.

TGIM – Thank G-d It’s Monday – Why You Feel Good to Go to Work

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Why are people basically happy to work?

Anthropologists study and theorize. Difficult to believe that 1) we evolved from an amoeba and now because of 2) survival of the fittest we want to work. Both theories leave much to be desired. Theory 1 is utterly illogical. Theory 2 is leaves much to be desired. I would think the fittest would want to rest after all these years. 🙂

The Torah tells it like it is.

The Torah says that G-d created the world. He implanted in each human a soul. This soul wants to do the will of G-d. But He also created a force inside a person that offers advice to follow temptation rather than reason. How do you know the difference? Study your respective commandments.

There is a commandment for all people in the world. To build the world (Lishuvu Shel Olam / הדינין לישובו של עולם) It is Part of the 30 commandments for all humanity of the 7 Major categories of laws for Gentiles – called the 7 Noahide Laws of the Torah.

Going to work builds the world. Thus a person who works gets a mitzvah.

When a person does a Mitzvah / commandment from the Torah – they feel satisfied inside. They satisfy their soul.

That’s why you feel good when you work.

What’s the proof?

Abraham Herzberg’s Theory of motivation.

He said at work there are Motivators and Hygiene factors.

The Motivators – Motivate people to work. With them present people are satisfied and motivated.

The Hygiene factors – if not present – a person may be dissatisfied. But if they are present it will not increase the satisfaction of the work.

Motivators or Job Factors include
Achievement
Recognition
Work itself
Responsibility
Advancement
Growth

Hygiene Factors include
Company policy and administration
Supervision
Relationship with supervisor
Work conditions
Salary
Relationship with peers
Personal life
Relationship with subordinates
Status
Security

With accomplishment at work one builds the world. With the work itself one builds the world. Thus a person is satisfied because he is doing a mitzvah.

A gentile observes 7 Noahide laws from the Torah. A Jew observes the 613 commandments from the Torah.

Each observing their respective commandments, gain satisfaction.

TGIM.

How to Buy a Safe Cell Phone – the Three Major Concerns

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“And you shall surely protect yourself.” ( Devarim / Deut 4,15) – Venishmartem Meod lenafshotechem.

A commandment of the Torah. This commandment applies to keeping safe and healthy.  Yes – like any good parent – G-d wants you to be safe and healthy.

Three safety concerns in purchasing a cell phone –

is it spiritually safe?

is it productively safe?

is it physically safe?

1. Spiritually Safe

Assume that your child will use your phone. Thus safeguards should be taken into account before purchasing the phone. Some opt for no internet phones. Thus there is no temptations to surf to improper sites. This is the safest route. Thus many orthodox Jews have a flip phone or a no-internet phone to detour this problem.

Others buy the smart phone but put the app locks on. They download an app that one must put a code in order to access a particular app. On Apple phones one can remove apps altogether from the phone. So one can remove the browser. No browser – no internet.

There are other things to do – but if you want more info – see the article on 70 ways to protect your home from bad influences of the Internet.

2. Productively Safe

Some think that the latest smart phone will help you be more productive. Perhaps. Some studies find that the time used surfing, texting and social media-ing counters all gains in productivity. Do the research. And know yourself.

Time is a resource that is limited. Waste a minute – you can never get it back.

3. Physically Safe

The first thing I look for before purchasing a cell phone is it’s EMF (electro-magnetic field) or SAR (Specific Absorption Rate (SAR)).

Here is an article from the US government FCC Site on SAR of Cell Phones

A site that makes it easy to look it up is phone more. Type in the model of phone you are interested in and scroll down and see the SAR rating. It will usually give you two ratings one for the head and one for the body. You can also check the FCC site above for ratings as well.

Both should be less than .80 but the more important rate is the head SAR. When selecting a phone – between choices – I try to choose the phone that has the lowest SAR. I prefer ones that have less than .6 to the head. Some phones have ratings as low as .21 for the head. The lower the better.

If you cant find SAR level on the above sites – you can google – the exact model of phone and SAR rating.

Being Married this Time Next Year – 14 Reasons why You are Not Married Yet & 10 Tips to Tie the Knot

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Yes I am the expert. 🙂

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

What I do know is common sense.

Unfortunately sometimes the common sense kicks in only after I made my mistakes. At least I do learn after the mistakes. Sometimes.

Yes this is a Jewish site. So here is some of the Jewish or Torah perspective on the Dating for Marriage.

G-d made a concept of family. He made it that a man and woman will marry to bring up a family that will make this world a better place by following His guidelines as established in the Torah.

The Purpose of Dating

A very important point to remember is – one dates to determine whether the person is the right person for marriage. One tries to get to know the other through seeing if they share common goals and values. Although you want to find out pertinent information – It is not a job interview. You have to see if the person before you has the right attitude, personality, values for you to build a family together. Your first two dates are to determine whether you can get along. The third is to determine whether you can respect the other person’s opinions, goals and personality.

I went out on dates with 10 different people before meeting my wife. It took me 3 dates to ask my wife to get married. Thank G-d she accepted. For others it may take more time.

Statistics are claiming Less people are getting married.

Having this in Mind here are 14 possible reasons why some are not married yet

1. Lack of effort.

Many people want their perfect spouse to fall from the sky. Not likely. A person has to put in a serious effort to finding a mate. If you don’t look you are not likely to find. But an important point to know is – that your looking is not a guarantee that you will find.

Here is the way the world really works. You make your effort for achieving a goal. G-d looks at your effort and says – OK, you made enough effort for Me to give you what you set out to do.

You make your effort – G-d provides the results. This helps us cope with failure as well. because if I put my utmost effort into achieving something and I don’t I am not a failure. I am a success because at least I tried. But G-d had different plans in mind.

Here are two personal examples of the effort we make and the results G-d determines principle.

I wanted to buy a house. We negotiated the price with the owner. We set the terms – we agreed on the terms. I signed the papers to buy the house. I deliver them to the owner’s lawyer. Then I get a call from my lawyer saying “Sorry the deal for the house is off.” “What do you mean. I signed the papers. I gave the deposit check. What happened?” My lawyer said he could not get along with the other lawyer’s attitude. Thus he didn’t want to deal with him.” The lawyers didn’t get along. I lost the house.

Upsetting? Perhaps if you remove G-d from the equation. But if you do put G-d into the equation – you realize that G-d is Good. G-d loves you. G-d wants your best and He thought that what you thought was a good deal was not a good deal – so He found a way to nullify it. End of the story – we found a better house for us in the end. We were happy we didn’t buy the first house.

Another example:

When single, at times I made efforts to find a spouse. At times I was laid back and put it on the back-burner. When I started making a serious concerted effort – by networking with people and prayer to Hash-m / G-d – to find the right mate – I found the right one but not through my efforts. You could say the proposition to meet someone came from left field. I was calling people in the US to meet prospects. The right prospect came from my grandmother who lived in France and who suggested someone from France.

I made my effort – but G-d sent me the right one. My meeting the right person was not a direct result of my efforts. I made my effort. G-d saw I was serious & He sent me the right one.  

So  make your effort. If G-d thinks it is a good idea for you to get married – He will help you.

Obviously – this is provided you stick to the rules of the Torah. If you don’t stick to the rules – so G-d may give you what you want – which is not always the best thing for you.

It is better to pray that G-d find the best person in His view for you to get married with – to help you achieve your potential in life – than to pray to marry a particular person – who might not be the best person for you. I made that mistake. I prayed to date a particular person – I did date them and it didn’t work out in the end – because they were  not for me.

There is a principle in Torah – G-d will guide you in the way you wish to follow. If a person is a thief and he prays to G-d he will help him steal. If you really want a particular person to marry G-d may help you – but it might be to your detriment.

Thus following the laws of the Torah (ie, the 613 commandments for Jews or the 7 Noahide laws from the Torah for non-Jews) is a prerequisite for finding the right mate to achieve your potential in life.

I know what you are going to say. What are you talking about? I know many people who do not follow Torah but are happy in life.

To this I answer – OK they may be happy – but are they achieving their potential for doing good for the world? Probably not.

This is one reason against Jewish intermarriage – when Jewish people marry people of different religions – the goals are the family are automatically confused. One partner wants to give a Jewish education – the other says they see no point in a solid Torah day school education for Jewish kids. But we’ll get to that later.

Be ready to put your best foot forward when searching for a mate. Treat finding a mate as seriously as you would as if you were searching for a Job.

My optometrist friend would call up optical stores – one-by-one he found in the phone book to find a Job. We should be at least as serious in searching for a mate for ourselves or our children. If a person is out of a job, one calls a head hunter, networks, makes phone calls and sends out resumes. The same dedication is required for getting married. Dedicate at least 10 minutes a day to find the right person. Effort includes praying to Hashem / G-d daily to help you find a mate. Before I got married I would recite Tehillim / psalm 121 as a segula to get married. I prayed at the kever / grave-site of Yonathan Ben Uziel in Amuka, Israel. At times I would be serious about dating for marriage regularly. At times I would slack off. When I became serious – G-d sent me the right mate.

A Suggested Amount of Effort

I would suggest a person spend at least 5 to 10 minutes daily searching for a proper mate for themselves or their children.

2. Lack of clarity of what is truly important.
Another boon to getting married is – lack of clear idea of what one wants. If you don’t know what you are looking for – you won’t know when you find it. Some basic points you should consider are found in tip 3 below.

3. Do not value the importance of marriage
Getting married and having kids is a commandment in the Torah for Jews and gentiles. some think it is a nice thing to do – but not for them. G-d formulated things that to reach your potential – you must be married. He created man and woman as one entity. A person not married has not yet found their mate to help them complete themselves.

Because some Do not value the importance of marriage they do not date for the purpose of marriage. Some date just for a good time. That might be a problem. If you or your mate have no marriage intentions – marriage is less likely. Also physical relations before marriage causes objectivity to fly out the window. A person who is not celibate on dates may end up marrying a person who might not be suitable for them. This is probably the major reason for divorce today – people marry others that they are “in love” with without determining if they are compatible with the other before hand.  

4. High expectations
Some people think they are prince charming or princess of Pompadour – so they reject anyone they think is not suitable for them. G-d may have organized you to meet a particular person that He determined is suitable mate for you. Look into a proposal seriously before you reject them. Some people tailor design in their mind a person for themselves. You will most likely not meet this person. But you will meet a person that you feel that you have an affinity to build a wholesome Torah home if you do make your effort.


5. The “When I” excuse
“When I” get my degree, I’ll start looking to get married. “When I” get a decent Job I will start looking. “When I build” my business, I’ll find a mate.
All these are completely invalid excuses to postpone getting married. G-d does not say make sure you have a decent degree before you get married. G-d also provides the parnassa / the income – not your effort. (as mentioned above)


6. Am I turning people off?
Some turn others off with their looks, their appearance, their attitude, their habits and/or their opinions. I am talking with you face to face – your phone rings – it is impolite to answer while I speak with you. Some go on ranting about the President or politics. OK have an opinion – but if that is what you rant about regularly – i would rather talk about things that deal with real day to day life.

Today anyone can spy on your attitudes in life by checking heir facebook page. It’s a dead giveaway. Beware of what you post – it might come back to haunt you. I heard someone lost a job opportunity because of a Facebook post. Apparently people check out potential mates that way. Some people are obsessed with a subject because of a trauma or experience that they had.

Remember you are searching for a mate should be a friend to build a home with – not your psychologist.


7. Low Expectations –

At times a person is dating people that will not help that person reach their potential in life. G-d makes it not work out so that you will find the person who can best help you together with the new mate to reach your family potential.


8. Not ready psychologically
Some people are not ready psychologically to get married because they have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage or a low self esteem. Deal with these issues and make your effort to tie the knot. Marrying the right person makes a person life better not worse.

9. Not ready spiritually
G-d want you to reach a high level spiritually. Being connected to G-d is the greatest pleasure a person can have. He gave us the outline of how to become close with Him – the Torah. At times G-d wants you to reach a higher spiritual level in Torah observance and/or learning before matching you with the right mate so that together you can reach your spiritual purpose and potential. Advice – increase your spiritual Torah pursuits. Read Torah books in your language. Attend Torah lectures. Improve yourself – vis-a-vis the Torah’s values and G-d will match you with a better mate.


10. The “I want” syndrome
“I want someone open-minded. I want someone intellectual. I want someone who can sing.”
All very nice – but irrelevant to being a good mate. The question you want to ask is will the potential mate be a good husband and father or a good wife and mother. That is a fundamental point. Other “I wants” you have may be irrelevant to a good relationship and curtail marriage process.

Someone told me they want an intellectual wife. I told them “what do you think you will be discussing once married – Einstein’s law of relativity?” You will be talking of things to build a family and the relationship. Get goals that will make a great marriage not whims that have no relevance to building a Torah family.


11. No they are not your debate-team partner.
Some people go on a date and try to prove that they are right or show the other person they are wrong. Perhaps that is not their intention, but it comes off that way. if you are different – than respect the other person – act politely and after the date don’t go out again – it is not your job to convert the person to your views.


12. Rejection on paper or social media
At times a person sees a person’s photo and rejects going out because of what they look like. Many time a photo can lie. People reject others without seeing them in person.The total person is much greater than his or her photo or bio or Facebook page.


13. Looking in the wrong places
If you want to buy a car go to a car dealer. If you want to find a good mate go to a place that you would expect to find them and ask around.
I don’t know how successful singles parties are. I suggest to Jewish singles to contact local orthodox rabbis to determine if they know of a potential mate for them and to use me as a reference. An orthodox rabbi knows the members of his congregation. He will give you an honest opinion on the person – provided you ask the proper, pointed questions. You can get ideas for questions in tip 3 below.

14. Lack of Common Values

I think one of the strongest bonds is when people share Torah values. It helps people to make common family decisions. If one is a mate just following the winds of the newspapers or society – one day his value will be A the next B. Perhaps his or her mate will have Value B when he or she has Value A. Thus the solid, tried values of Torah help a couple to live a more stable relationship.

10 Tips to get yourself married with the right  mate that G-d intended you to meet.

1. Know that G-d wants you married – and what he wants from you in marriage by consulting Torah rabbis and lectures on the subject. (see the links section for info on the subject)


2. Know one of the commandments is for a person to beget children and raise them in the path of the Torah (jews the 613 commandments and gentiles the 7 noahide laws from the Torah)

3. know the “requirements” and the “good to haves.”

For a Jewish couple here are certain “requirements” and the “good to haves” for a potential mate

Requirements
a) that the mate is Jewish.
b) that the mate has a desire to use the Torah as a daily guide to building family. (Jews see Shulchan Aruch) / (Gentiles see Torah’s 7 Noahide laws)
c) that the mate has a good heart (ie, generous & giving)
d) that the mate has good values (based upon Torah outlook)
e) that the mate has good character traits (merciful, bashful & doing kindness)
f) attractive to you
g) that you can talk with

Good to Haves

What are the good to haves? Some may be more important than others. You probably have a list of your own.
a) person from a good family
b) person with class
c) person that is responsible
d) person from same background as yourself in terms of – country where you were born, family country background, ethnicity, etc. a similar mentality of the mates decreases lack of accord. A similar mentality will make the marriage to more likely to work out. I thus suggest Sephardim to Marry Sephardim. Askenazim to marry Ashkenaz. Moroccan Jews to marry Moroccans. etc. Obviously, it is not a guarantee for a happy marriage – first the basics are to be in order (the requirements above). But it might cause less reason for quarrels because people are on a similar page. Statistics that supports this notion is a study done by the Center for Disease Control in 2002 about divorce rates that showed interracial marriages were more likely to end in divorce than same-ethnic marriages — 41 percent versus 31 percent.
e) person with similar goals in life
f) person that you can respect and help with their aspirations in life

4. Consider someone who is not 100% your perfect mate / know there are things you can change 

If you find someone who is 80% perhaps you can try to change the rest. Accept the person as who they are. I know people who rejected dates because they were only 90% of what they were looking for. Too bad. There is no perfect person. Only G-d is perfect. Know what you can change and can’t change in a person. If a person has something you don’t like that can be changed – perhaps a date is worth a try. If you don’t know ask a competent shadchan / match maker or Orthodox Rabbi.


5. Know that it only takes one person

For a Jewish couple G-d basically wants a couple to build a family that lives happily using the Torah as their guide for their daily lives. Some people try to surf the social media for a mate. Just focus on meeting one right person at a time. don’t compare. see if that person that you are dating is good based upon what we discussed. aprreciate that person for who they are. pray to G-d to help you make the right decision.


6. Get help from professionals –

Perhaps you need a dating coach or advice from the Torah / Daat Torah – so ask a competent Orthodox Rabbi for help.


7. Do your homework before you go out.
Ask references – some have a dating resume – ask for a dating resume of potential mates.


8. Portray a positive image.
Don’t use your date a social worker or psychologist. Keep your vocal opinions to yourself on dates – don’t be obsessed by certain issues. It is a turn-off. don’t be obsessed about yourself and your opinions. You may be wrong. Don’t talk about your failures and deceptions in your life. Don’t talk negatively. Use your speech wisely.


9. Pick 10 things you are looking for in a mate and if you find five out of the 10 – it is worth a try.


10. Look in the right places.

If you are looking for a Torah scholar network in the Yeshivas. If you are looking for a good person – call local orthodox rabbis of communities. If you look in the local bars – you’ll find people with values from the bars – which is a shot in the dark at best.

Wishing you all the best. If you need any advice please feel free to contact us at info@jerusalemlife.com