The former Chief Rabbi of Morocco – R. Aharon Monsonego – said “When you teach people about what Torah says marriage – you should teach practical things.”

1. Base the Marriage on Growing a Torah Family

When a couple gets married – they have many expectations and dreams. But they do not necessarily have a goal.

Some say “We love each other – that is what is most important.” Firstly is the love real love? [Rather than infatuation and love of oneself] and Secondly, If that is the case – why do many marriages fail? Apparently – one reason is they do not have central goal of building a Torah family.

So some will ask – why does it have to be that goal? Why not another goal – like “let’s raise a family that has a fun time together.” Firstly Define what is fun. Secondly – that will not prevent people from overstepping boundaries and doing whatever they consider fun – which may not be fun for the other family members.

Torah – gives us boundaries of what is acceptable. One such major boundary is what Hillel said to define the central point in Judaism – “What is hateful to you do, don’t do to others.” If that is the goal of each spouse – the marriage is surely starting out on the right foot.

2. Appreciate the Efforts of Others

People recognize the importance of appreciation, usually when they don’t receive proper appreciation. If we did put it into perspective – there are thousands of things to be appreciative about. One could make a goal of giving one compliment a day to each family member. Or two compliments a day.

If we really appreciated life – everyone would become a Torah Jew. Why? Because you could probably write a list of one-thousand things to be thankful for daily. So let’s say thanks and appreciate our family and Hash-m.

3. Focus on Giving – Not Taking

Some come into marriage expecting to be served. If one wants to take – they will find many reasons to complain. If you focus on giving – you will find many ways to do so – which helps one to have a healthy marriage.

4. Work on Middot

Marriage is one conduit for a person’s self-perfection. Our goal is to emulate Hash-m. Being magnanimous – will get you far. If one thinks that marriage is a perfect opportunity to become a better person things will change their outlook 180 degrees. What once was a terrible thing to be dishonored – becomes an opportunity to work on humility. What once was a terrible thing to be insulted – becomes an opportunity to work on not being overly sensitive. Obviously there are limits – but every encounter in life is an opportunity to express our displeasure or to grow into a more beautiful individual.

5. Have a Common Rabbi to Ask Questions.

Each couple should have a competent orthodox Rabbi in which to ask questions – when disagreements arise. In a marriage – disagreements do arise. So to have someone that has Daat Torah – will help the couple to guide the marriage in a way that is positive and a way that will create agreement – not disagreement.

People who will hear and apply – this will work. For people who will not – “You can bring a horse to water but you cant make him drink.”

By: Rivka Hadad

It has been ten months. Ten months of shock and grief from October 7th. Ten months of fear and uncertainty for our soldiers. Ten months of horror and hope for our hostages. Ten months of exile and displacement due to threats on the Northern border. Recently, these challenges have been compounded by fears of a multi-front war instigated by Hezbollah and Iran. The feeling of fatigue and battle-weariness is palpable, yet there is also an underlying tension as if a ticking time bomb is about to explode. And then Tisha B’Av came.

Tisha B’Av, a day synonymous with calamity and brokenness, has surprisingly brought a ray of light and healing. Allow me to explain. Research by Colin Wastell in Australia shows that suppressing our emotional responses to trauma—whether through withdrawal or acting out—leads to physical and psychological stress. Trauma energy becomes trapped within us, disrupting our ability to connect with ourselves, others, and the world. The key to alleviating this is externalizing our trauma.

For the past ten months, Israel has been in a state of chronic trauma due to the war. This is challenging to heal as it leaves no room for imagining an alternative reality. Yet, through the principles of Tisha B’Av, I tapped into the three essential steps to healing complex trauma.

1. Space for Expression
   In His infinite wisdom, G-d gave the Jewish nation Tisha B’Av—a day of national mourning. This day is set aside for us to confront our brokenness. We are commanded to sit on the floor and mourn our loss and pain. This helps externalize and distance us from our trauma, creating space for healing. A friend shared that hearing the stories of the heroes from October 7th provided a language for months of pent-up emotions. It allowed her to let the pain of the past and the anxiety about the future flow through her. Ironically, thanks to the saddest day on the Jewish calendar, she experienced a profound catharsis.
2. Deep Connections
   Shortly after October 7th, Professor Danny Brom, founder and director of Herzog Hospital’s Meitav Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma, stated in a video that while not everyone requires professional help post trauma, everyone needs human connection. Trauma is an experience of disconnection, tearing us away from reality. Healing occurs through genuine human connection. This concept is echoed in Jewish wisdom: אין חבוש מתיר עצמו מבית האסורים a person cannot free themselves from jail [physical or psychological]; we need another to help us.
3. Vulnerable Sharing
   In the lead-up to Tisha B’Av, there is a strong emphasis on Ahavat Chinam (unconditional love and Jewish unity). People become more open-hearted and build deeper connections. During Tisha B’Av, individuals are also more willing to share their vulnerable experiences both personally and collectively. This combination of connection and expression creates a fertile ground for healing.

While Tisha B’Av does not erase our pain, it creates a space for expression, sharing, and fosters deeper connections, birthing the path for healing to begin. Who would have thought that so much light can be brought from such darkness?

Rivka Hadad is a mental health counselor (MHC). She works with individuals working through various mental health struggles. She specializes in trauma recovery as well as treatment of eating disorders. 

She can be reached at rivkahadad18@gmail.com

What is the key to emotional freedom? 

Impalas are constantly exposed to life-threatening predators who are eager to devour them without a moment’s notice. At times, the predators succeed in catching the impala and delivering a ferocious blow before the impala can escape with its life. Interestingly, immediately post the attack the impala begins shaking as if in the throes of a terrible seizure. And then, they walk away as if nothing happened, without the slightest trace of post trauma effects. Through studying the impala, Peter Levine, author of The Waking Tiger describes the principle of healing and resilience. Upon experiencing a traumatic reality, our body generates immense energy due to our instinctual survival nature of fight or flight, yet we are paralyzed in the moments and the energy is trapped within. Trauma is being inhibited and weighed down by that energy, healing is through the release of that energy. The impala emerges emotionally and mentally unscathed due to their peculiar yet critical post trauma shaking, this releases all their pent up energy and allows them to live a trauma free life. 

Mr. Rogers famously said, “If it’s speakable, it’s manageable.” When an experience is too painful to speak about, it’s generally due to it being an intertwined part of our narrative and how we perceive ourselves. Dysfunction is the experience of being paralyzed within a dysfunctional reality, due to the high level of negative energy that is stuck. The negative energy is so entrenched in our essence that it defines how we understand ourselves, others and the world. This leaves little space for an alternative reality. Externalizing this narrative, creates space for a reality that’s more distant from self and thereby more malleable and susceptible for it to be altered.  

“The opposite of depression is expression.” This was penned by Judith Eger, A holocaust survivor who was downtrodden by her inhuman experience yet went on to become a world renowned psychologist and the author of The Choice. The key is to move through the traumatic experience through any form of expression, be it art, dance, karate, speech, writing or any other form which feels right. Finding language to release our deep angst creates a pathway to externalize our trauma and thereby beginning to heal and live.

This sounds pretty easy, just talk about or dance through the angst and you’re healed. Yet, those who’ve experienced trauma know that it’s a lot more complex. This can be understood using the traffic light. We have certain emotions and realities which are green – safe emotions that we’re comfortable experiencing and expressing. The list may include joy, satisfaction, care, anger, boredom, disappointment.

Next is yellow, these are emotions and realities that are uncomfortable, yet they’re manageable to experience and express. It may require coaching and inner work, but it’s possible to externalize these realities. This list may include love, appreciation, sadness, vulnerability, loneliness. 

Last are red experiences. These realities are so painful or dangerous we can’t even admit them to others or even to ourselves. They are suppressed within, hidden from view. Yet, these realities are very alive and present and affect the way we see ourselves, the world, and others. They wreck tremendous havoc in ourselves and our relationships, yet because they have no name or form they are free to do as they wish without ever being called out. This may include hope, intimacy, jealousy, shame, self-loathing. 

Emotional dysfunction is having a disproportionately larger ‘red light,’  in which emotions and life experiences are threatening and therefore suppressed. The goal is to move ‘red realities’ into the safer zones of yellow and green. Health comes from having a larger green light and a smaller red light. The goal is to move  Now for the big questions, how can one tap into red realities in order to express them? For that a person needs deep safety. 

Safety is the key to making even red realities hold-able so they can be seen and externalized. Building safety is both simple and deeply complicated. It’s a process that requires patience, compassion, and connection with self. 

Rivka Hadad is a practicing mental health counselor (MHC) in Israel. She works with individuals working through various mental health struggles. 

She can be reached at rivkahadad18@gmail.com

📖 מטות-מסעי

This week’s Parashas – Matot-Masei starts saying that everything that comes out of a person’s mouth shall be done. Do the vow you made. It can also mean, that if you are careful to do what you promise, Hashem will fulfill the words of your Mouth.

Masei talks about 42 journeys that bnei Yisrael takes going from Mitzraim – Egypt to Israel. Egypt represents materialism and depravity. Israel represents spirituality and holiness. Like each person goes through 10 trials like the Avraham, Each Jewish person also goes through 42 stages in their life similar to the challenges of the places in the Desert we went through – when we make our effort in our journey to spirituality. The fact that our ancestors already traced the path makes it easier for us to overcome our challenges in life.

Circle Magazine for Kids – published a story last week – in the Living Emuna Section by R. David Ashear – on a rabbi that needed to purchase a building for his school. He had so much faith / Emuna in Hashem – that when he needed to purchase a building – he learned a sefer all night on Emuna – Shomer Emunim – and the next day when he was walking in the street someone donated to his organization the amount needed to purchase the building. Here is a link t the book – Called Shomer Emunim – שומר אמונים – חלק א
מחבר ראטה, אהרן בן שמואל יעקב, 1894-1947

At Ohr Binyamin – we are busy making new materials. Our latest project is the “You are Amazing” activity book.

It is a Positivity Magazine. “Be Positive. Love Yourself. Love Others and Smile!” A Jewish Interactivity Book – it allows one to take a more positive approach to life. It allows you to connect with children and others with KID CONNECT(tm) Questions.

It contains games, Mazes, Positive Statements and more.

Coming Soon to the Jerusalem Life Supersite.

Getting kids to school on time is challenging.

It starts with them understanding the value of being on time. They learn that with how parents view time. Do they have to be on time – or getting their a little late is alright?

Getting into the rote can help. I put together a Mneumonic to help parents “BLSHKA”

B – Breakfast (Did they eat a Healthy Breakfast?)
L – Lunch (Did they pack their lunch)
S – Snack (Do they have a regular & Healthy snack?)
H – Homework (Did they pack their homework?)
K – Knapsack – (Do they have their Knapsack?)
S – Attached (Are they Buckled or attached when riding to school?)

Feel free to add make up your own for regular tasks. I used to assure my children ate bread in the morning (Pat Shaharit). So originally – the mnemonic was PShLSHKA.

Starting the Second day of Pesach / Passover we start counting the Omer – a personal barley offering that is made by farmers between the fesivals of Passover (for the Jew’s freedom from Egypt) and Shavuot (the receiving of the Torah.)- a total of 49 days. This counting Corresponds to two countings – one is what day of the offerings it is in this offering. It also corresponds to how many days have passed in the counting up of days to Shavuot.

Usually when one looks forward to an event they count down. How many more days till their birthday, how many more days till their marriage, how many more days to get out of jail, how many more days to vacation.

So why here do we count upwards? 1,2,3… instead of downwards 49,48,47,… till the receiving of the Torah.

Rabbi Shimshon Pincus, gives an answer. Let’s say a person was promised One Million Dollars in 100 days. He would count down the days. But if he was promised $10,000 dollars a day for 100 days – he would count up the days.

The days between Pesach and Shavuot are 49. To acquire Torah – it requires 48 things. These are listed in Pirkei Avot / Ethics of the Fathers – Chapter 6 Mishna 5. Every day we are supposed to work on a different aspect of growth to acquire the Torah – totalling 48 days and the last day we are to work on all of them. Thus we count upwards – because every day between them is a day of growth – a day to be thankful.

Yaakov Avinu / Jacob Our Forefather – wanted to marry Rachel. Lavan – Rachel’s Father – said if Yaakov would work for him for 7 years he would give his daughter’s hand in marriage to Yaakov. The Torah says something puzzling – for Yaakov the 7 years seemed like several days. I would think the opposite – when a person wants to marry – they feel as it is such a long time.

The Answer – Yaakov was preparing himself for marriage every day to be able to be the founder of the Jewish nation. Every day was a day of growth for him. Every day he would become better by learning Torah and working to improve his character traits. Thus for him it seemed like several days.

Three Point to learn

1. One has to prepare themselves to get married by working on improving their Middot / character traits. Some people go into marriage thinking – OK now I have someone to serve my needs. But really that is the weak link in the marriage chain – because once one of the spouses does not behave according to their expectations – the chain breaks. If one entered into marriage thinking this is my opportunity to do good to others and to improve my character traits – the chain would not break – because the challenges (like the wife yelling at the husband, the man leaving his clothes around the house, etc.) are seen as opportunities for growth to become a better person.
2. One should go into marriage understanding that this is an opportunity to do good to others and to improve my character traits.
3. Every day is an opportunity to Grow – Self improvement is an integral part of acquiring Torah. To become a Dr., a Scientist, a Professor – one does not necessarily need to have good character traits. To become a Torah scholar or to acquire Torah one does.